Struggles

"To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting."

- e. e. cummings

It is hard to want to be yourself when you barely want to walk through the door to go outside. Anxiety and depression run rampant through your veins.  I know I'm not crazy. Just sick.  I read somewhere that 20% of Canadians will suffer from a mental illness in their lifetime.  I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy.  For me it is like a roller coaster of emotions one day I feel half normal and the next I feel like I can't deal with anything. I go to bed with this, I wake up with this, it never goes away.  It has ruined jobs, friendships and pretty much my life.  But what people don't understand is what it takes to deal with it.  To control it.  I have struggled with mental illness for the past 22 yrs.  I have major depression and anxiety.  I am at the point right now where my anxiety is debilitating.  I can't leave my apartment without a huge fight that I have with myself pushing myself to get ready and leave.  My depression, bad to the point where I sleep in excess of 14 hrs a day.  I make excuses for why I can't do things and am constantly sleeping because mentally I can't handle another thing.  I don't have a job because I can barely get out of bed. People have basically said to me "Just snap out of it" or "You seem fine to me".  I promise you if you are sleeping in excess of 14 hrs a day and can't leave your apartment do you think I am "fine"?  

People have stigmas against mental illness because you cannot see the person is sick on the outside, no it all takes place in the brain.  So even though I may look alright doesn't mean I am not in horrible pain and mentally drained. It doesn't mean that depression isn't a serious illness.  

Thankfully I do have a great support system. People who are there for me no matter what.  Which has been irreplaceable this last year.  2013 was not a good year. I went from losing my job of 11 years, which became such a facet of who I was, to being so depressed I just wanted to end it all.  But my boyfriend and mom have been there for me through thick and thin and have been by my side. 

This year I have pledged to get healthier and things have been looking up lately.  2014 is going to be a way better year.  My hope and wish for anyone reading this blog entry would be to have a little more patience with people who suffer from anxiety and depression, to realize that they cannot help how they feel and that there is no quick fix that is going to help.