I think that it is because it is the realization that my journey is actually beginning for real. I am embarking on this huge (no pun intended) adventure. I am literally setting out to lose at least half of my current body weight. That is major.
So my major concern going into this journey is that I won't get my disordered eating under control and I may lose some weight but not what I want to lose. Or that I will lose the weight and then gain it back after awhile. It is hard when you have been eating to deal with your emotions and all of a sudden you need to stop and find a different outlet for your emotions. So I am trying to limit myself now hoping that, that will help out and I won't have as difficult a time when it comes time to have the surgery. I am also going to check out the local Overeaters Anonymous group (which is something I have always put off in the past), as well as a group put together of Bariatric patients that are both pre-op and post-op. This journey is not just about the physical but also about the mental aspects of how I got to be the size I am. You don't become close to 550 lbs without disordered eating. I have a food addiction. Specifically to sweets (sugar). It was something that always was there when I needed it.
This journey is not going to be easy. I know that it is going to be hard. But it is most definitely worth the work. I have been thinking about weight loss surgery for the past 6 years. I always said to myself "I want to do it myself because then I will feel more accomplished losing the weight." But what I needed to realize more than anything is that the surgery is a tool. You are being given a smaller stomach, however you have to choose what to put into that stomach, you have to work out and have a routine. So really you are still doing what you would do even not having the surgery if you wanted to lose weight, you are just that much further ahead getting the surgery because you have that tool to use.
I don't know if anyone else who has been on this journey can relate to the fear that I also feel. It is a fear of change. As much as I want the change I am scared for it. I am definitely going to face it. But I am scared for it. I think that I will mourn not being able to just pick up something and eat it without thinking about it. Now everything I put into my mouth will need to be planned and thought about. As much as I used food to fill an emotional void, food was also a part of some of my greatest memories. The times when my Mother, who is a fantastic baker would make her Christmas shortbread for example, eating that and having that shortbread is such a memory for me of Christmas. But I need to look at that also and see that it wouldn't be a problem if I could have a couple pieces of shortbread and be satisfied. No for me it has to be 8-12 pieces before my sweet craving is satisfied.
A huge problem I have with sweets in general is the fact that if they are in the house, I can't stop thinking about them until they are gone. If the sweets are not around, I am fine. But sometimes the craving is so horrible and bad that I used to go out and get sweets. I need to get control on this to be successful with this whole process. I am starting to keep a food diary to hopefully keep myself more accountable as well as blogging here.
But I will definitely be posting an update later after I get back from the information session to relay what I have learnt and hopefully it will help someone out there who is in a similar situation as I am looking possibly at weight loss surgery as an option.
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