Review: Biore Baking Soda Cleansing Line.

**Before I start my review I do want to let you know, I did receive these products complimentary from Influenster for testing purposes.**

This is the 2nd Influenster Voxbox that I have received and I was super excited to be offered the chance to test out and review these products.  I have been a LONG time fan of Biore Pore Strips, I have so many memories of childhood sleepovers with my best friend and us doing facials which always included a good ol' Biore Pore Strip.  So to be given this opportunity I want to sincerely thank Influenster and also Biore Canada.

I received my shiny Biore Voxbox earlier this month and I couldn't wait to rip it open, it actually took all my willpower not to rip it open because I wanted to record a unboxing video lol!

Check out my unboxing video on YouTube ~*!HERE!*~

I was sent the Biore Baking Soda Pore Cleanser and the Biore Baking Soda Cleansing Scrub.

The Biore Baking Soda Pore Cleanser I use twice daily (once in the morning and once at night).  I had very oily/dry combination skin, this cleanser has helped my skin 110%.  Not only is my skin not oily anymore, but the dry patches I had are pretty much cleared up.  Also my skin tone is a lot better and more even.  I can't say enough good things about this product.  It smells amazing and your skin feels so fresh after you use it.

The Biore Baking Soda Cleansing Scrub I use twice a week, it is a gentle exfoliating cleanser.  You only need about a quarter sized amount of the scrub and you only have to add a little bit of water to work it into a lather. The Biore Baking Soda Cleansing Scrub is a deep cleaning, gentle cleanser that is a powerful exfoliator.  My skin has never looked better!

I am absolutely in love with the Biore Baking Soda Cleansers and I will definitely be using them going forward.  If you want to find out more information about the Biore Baking Soda Cleansing line please follow Biore Canada on Twitter: @biorecanada or on Facebook: facebook.com/biorecanada

Stay tuned for more reviews on upcoming products!

Benefits Of Sadness

I have been seeing a hypnotist for awhile now, she is phenomenal.  She makes me think and has really helped me move past some things that I have held onto for a long time.  She gave me some homework recently, she wanted me to journal about the benefits of sadness.  I was supposed to do this awhile ago, and I keep putting it off.  But that proves that I should be confronting it.

For as long as I can remember I have suffered from depression and anxiety.  I was sexually abused when I was 8 years old.  I don't remember a time when I haven't been anxious or depressed.  Up until recently that is.  For a long time sadness was everything for me.  It was my crutch.  It was my excuse.  I am not saying that everyone with depression or anxiety uses it as an excuse, please do not take it as that, because that is NOT what I am saying.  In my case I think a lot of times the depression served as the only emotion I knew, it was what I was comfortable with and became second nature.  Happiness was unknown and uncomfortable.  With what I was dealing with (past events) depression/sadness was what I felt I deserved.  I had until this year pretty much resigned myself to the fact that depression and sadness and anxiety was what I deserved and how I was meant to feel the rest of my life because of the past.  But I got to the point where enough was enough.  I have done things that I myself am not proud of, but I am not a monster. Horrible things have been done to me, things that nobody should ever have to go through, but that shouldn't define me.  I punished myself for 23 years, 23 years of sadness and depression and feeling not good enough.  Well enough is enough!

Being sad all these years I relied on everyone else and lived through them.  I became a recluse and ended up gaining weight and becoming 604 lbs! Being sad didn't benefit me at all.  I am tired of being sad.  I choose happiness, I choose life.

I have bad days like everyone else, and yes I still have depression and anxiety.  But since I have taken control of my life as far as my health exercising and my diet I feel a lot better. I have also felt a lot better since I have been working on myself mentally.  I am on a journey, a whole mental/physical journey. I will get through this.  I will definitely get to my goal.

Addiction In Any Form Is HARD....

So I binged.  It was a binge that was much like my older binges, where I would of course binge on sweets.  I have been dealing with a lot of stress lately, money worries and stretching pay cheques far beyond what they are meant to stretch.  I don't know if I mentioned before that I have been going to OA (Overeaters Anonymous) meetings.....well I was.  I went to two meetings last month for the first time ever.  I like that there are other people there that are going through the same thing and that are struggling with overeating, however for me I am having a hard time relating to the religious aspect of the group or the "higher power".  I do believe there is a higher power or a god, something up there.  However I am not a religious person who worships any particular religion so I think that is why I am getting caught up in the higher power aspect of the OA group.  I also don't like that there doesn't seem to be a lot of time to share with other members or talk freely among the members at the meetings.  It is a by the book process that is followed from start to finish.  However maybe I was getting something from it because the two weeks that I went I seemed to have my eating under control, also maybe I didn't give it enough time before judging.  All in all I haven't written the group off, I think I am going to go next week.

It does scare me though that I had a binge episode last night.  It was a classic episode where I overate to extreme.  In one sitting I ate:

12 bakery cookies (Chocolate chip)- 140 cal x 12 = 1680 cal
1 box of Mike and Ike candy- 1 serving is 140 cal however I ate the whole box which was 420 cal
1 Jersey Milk Chocolate bar- 1 serving was 6 pieces 210 cal however I ate the whole bar which was 15 pieces so 525 cal

Total binge calories: 2625 calories.....

It makes me so ashamed to even type this out.  But I need to confront it and move on.  It is so stupid after I ate the cookies I felt so sick, so sick I wanted to go lay down.  But because the box of candy and the chocolate bar was sitting there I ate it too.  It is like if the food is there I can't stop thinking about it, if I eat it and it is gone I don't have to think about it anymore and the temptation is gone.  The biggest mistake I think I make is getting to comfortable and thinking that I have control over my addiction to food, sweets in particular.  Thinking that I can just have one piece of something or one cookie.  I can't because as I demonstrated last night I ate one, then another one and another one until it was 12 cookies.  Food addiction is real.  The thing that I don't get is the fact that the cookies honestly didn't even taste that good.  Yet I overate them!

I am so scared, everyday I literally live my life in fear.  Fear that I will become that 604 lb girl again.  Especially when I have episodes like this. I also get mad at myself because I think I have already been 604 lbs and absolutely hated my life when I was at that weight.  Why am I risking getting back to that weight? So then I go through the guilt and shame and self hate because I feel like a weak person because I am not able to just stay away from the sweets.  But I am fighting an addiction.  This is a cold, hard addiction.  I quit smoking and yes there are days where I would give ANYTHING for a cigarette.  But I don't give in because then the cigarettes will have power over me again.  Plus I feel so much better not smoking.  I need to get that way with sweets.  I believe I am a person who can't have any sweets or junk food.  It just sets me up to fail.  So I am making a pledge to myself, especially suffering from Diabetes (Type 2).  That I will NOT eat sweets.  I cannot control myself when it comes to sweets.  I even overeat fruit sometimes, mainly grapes, so I have to stay away from them.  But I am going to starting today take a pledge to not eat sweets.  I do NOT want to end up at 604 lbs again and eating the way I did last night it wouldn't take long to pack on the pounds.
It will be hard but definitely worth the fight.

All I can say is I am mentally exhausted lately and I think that is why it has been easier to slip back into old routines.  But it shouldn't be an excuse.  NO MORE EXCUSES!

I WILL DO THIS!

Weight Loss Journey Update!

Holy crap I have lost 108 lbs!!!! Yes I have a LONG way to go, however I have also come a LONG way from where I started.  I never thought I would ever have the courage to lose any big amount of weight.  I have learnt so much about myself on this journey so far and I still have a lot to learn about myself I am sure.  The biggest thing that I have learnt is to take things day by day.  If you look at the big picture it gets too overwhelming.  If you take it day by day it is easier to digest and tackle.  Losing weight is a HUGE mental undertaking.  You have to be in the right place mentally to lose weight especially when you are tackling losing a big amount of weight.

I started my journey in February of this year at 604 lbs and as of Oct 28th I am 496 lbs.  I am honestly proud of myself.  Every other time I have tried to lose weight I have given up.  I always started off with the best intentions and the first time I would "mess up" (messing up could be either eating something that wasn't on my "list" of okay foods or not working out when I was supposed to.) I would give up.  I had so many excuses that I fed myself, like 1.  I am meant to be overweight.  2.  I have PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome) so that makes me automatically bigger.  3.  I have tried to lose weight and I never can keep it off, it is too hard....and countless other excuses.
What makes this time different, even when I mess up, I don't give up.  You have to be ready to lose weight though.  Mentally you have to be ready to stop the excuses and commit to moving and trying to eat better (cleaner).  It took me years to get to a place where I could actually lose weight.  I still have as I have said a very long way to go (296 lbs) before I get to my goal weight, I am human and there are days I don't want to go for a walk, there are days I don't want to eat healthy, there are days I indulge and eat junk food.  But I don't give up anymore.  I start fresh the next day or next meal.  I am in no way an expert at losing weight.  But I have found what works for me (for now).  I walk.....a lot, I try to walk 4-6km 5 days a week.  I also try to go to the gym 3 times a week.  (I haven't been going recently to the gym because I did injure my foot, but I have been walking still even if I have to hobble.)
I measure and weigh my food.  I also use My Fitness Pal to track my food.  I have made a lifestyle change.  There are days where I miss being able to eat whatever I want to eat, but then I remember just where that lead me and what I let food take away from me.  I was trapped in my apartment, not living my life.  I chose food over everything.  Food controlled me.  Now I control me.

I am going to have gastric bypass surgery.  However the surgeon wants me to get down to 440 lbs, which I WILL do.  The surgery is going to be an additional tool to help me get to where I would like to get (200 lbs).

Here is a pic of the 108 lb difference:

I know I always promise to write more posts, but I promise I am going to try to write more frequently to keep you all updated on my progress.  I want to share my journey with you and make my journey public so that others who are going through the same thing and felt as hopeless as I did at 604 lbs, have someone that they can talk to and relate to.  I always felt alone and it was so scary feeling like I was the only one who was going through this.  I want you to know if you are reading this and you are super morbidly obese, you are NOT alone.  Please reach out to me if you ever want someone to talk to! Also I am documenting my weight loss journey on Instagram.  You can follow along HERE

Stay tuned! :)

One Step At A Time....

Hey all! Sorry that I haven't written in a long time.  I promise I am going to make more of a conscious effort to update my blog.  I know some of you are following along on my journey with me.  So for new readers and a recap for those who are following along but want a recap, I started my journey in February 2015, I was 604 lbs.  I was miserable.  I couldn't even walk to the kitchen from the couch in my apartment without being out of breath.  Honestly walking to the end of my driveway was horrible and I would be at the point of crying.  When you are inactive for as long as I was EVERYTHING hurts and your muscles start to seize up from not being used enough.  Everything at 604 lbs was a chore.  I also couldn't do basic things.  I couldn't put socks on, I couldn't put on my shoes (unless they were slip on shoes), let alone tie my shoes and this may be TMI, and I am sorry but I couldn't even shower properly and was too "proud" to admit I actually needed help.  I also couldn't wipe when I went to the bathroom properly.  I know this is disgusting but I am putting all this out there so that anyone reading in the same position can see I WENT THROUGH THIS.  But it comes down to the choice you can either 1. Stay the same way with one foot in the grave or 2. Do something about it, FIGHT.  I chose to FIGHT.

I started my journey doing small things, walking from one side of the apartment to the other.  I also started trying to portion out my food and cut down on the sweets I was eating.  I have bad days and good days, this is a journey.  I am not perfect and there are a lot of days that I get discouraged but remind myself how far I have come.  Cause.....I have lost 85 lbs in just over 6 months.  I am so happy! I am now 519 lbs.  I have a long way to go, but I have come a LONG way!

Today I walked 2.5 miles in ONE walk.  I am honestly amazed how far I have come.  Honestly I went from being out of breath walking a few feet to walking 2.5 miles!

I can't even begin to stress how important having a Fitbit Flex has been during this journey.  I have been able to push myself and achieve goals I never would have thought I could achieve.  It is awesome being able to now walk 2.5 miles in one walk, I may have to sit and rest my back for like 3 minutes at a bench on the trail however I am able to be active for almost an hour walking!

Here are my progress pictures:

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As I have said I have a LONG way to go (319 lbs) more, however I have come a LONG way from where I used to be.  I am so happy that I can do everything I was not able to before.  I want to show others out there that you CAN do this.  As hard as it seems.  When I was at 604 lbs I had every excuse in the book not to exercise, or why I ate the way I ate.  I also thought I was too overweight and would never lose weight.  I felt hopeless.  But I just got to the point where I couldn`t take being 604 lbs anymore.  I didn`t want to be a burden on my fiance anymore.  I wanted to feel better.  I have tried a lot of diets and have tried losing weight before and always gave up after a month of trying.  I never kept going, this time I have kept going and I am seeing results which makes me that much more motivated to keep going or to push myself further.  Even yesterday when I was at the doctor`s office and they weighed me and I found out that I only lost 1 lb between August 5th-August 20th  I was frustrated but I am NOT giving up! The biggest thing is to keep on going, to keep moving, keep eating clean (for the most part) as I have said I am definitely NOT perfect and I do have days where I end up eating stuff I shouldn`t.  But those days are fewer and farther between than they used to be, also I find that when I do eat the bad stuff (sweets) I don`t eat as much as I used to.  I will get down to 200 lbs.  I am going to do this.  

Here is another progress picture:

I honestly feel 110% better than I did in January.  Seeing progress pictures like this motivates me and keeps me accountable.  I am also on Instagram if you want to follow along with my journey HERE
I am very lucky to have an AMAZING support system and phenomenal friends who are there for me through every step of my journey.  It really, really helps!

Just remember you CAN achieve ANYTHING you put your mind to.

Where Is My Determination?!?!

Ugh....have you ever been just soooo frustrated that you want to scream?!?! 

I have lost a total of 70 lbs since I started my weight loss journey in February 2015.  I have worked hard, eating clean and exercising, after almost 5 months of this I am getting off track and slipping.  I have been walking less and eating more lately.  It is like all the effort I have put into my weight loss journey is now being sabotaged and by the one and only.....me.....

I initially had a goal to lose 100 lbs before I resorted to weight loss surgery. I was so close, I am so close, 30 more pounds to go! I went and met with the surgeon who seemed impressed that I had lost 70 lbs, however wants me to lose another 100 lbs before he will operate.  He wants me to be around 440 lbs before he will operate, as he explained it will be safer based on my BMI at the time.  Which I understand however when he told me that it was like he took my goal away from me and put conditions on it.  He made it his goal. I knew when I met him that I would need to lose more weight, but I never thought I would have to lose 100 lbs more. 

Right now I am 534 lbs, so I have close to 100 lbs more to go and I am sabotaging myself.  I keep eating stuff I know I shouldn't and not walking everyday like I was before.  Instead of taking his advice and making the goal my own again, I keep letting it get to me.  What really got to me is the fact that he said "Without weight loss surgery, you will gain back everything you lost." Well I am certainly proving him right....

I need to get back into the mental state I was in before I went and met him, because I was so determined.  I need to do this.  I can't go back to 604 lbs, I won't.  I will work with every fibre of my being to get down that extra 100 lbs.  

Know what I CAN DO THIS.  I have come too damn far to give up and let what one person says overshadow the progress I have made.  I have come so far.  I still have a LONG way to go, but with every walk I take and every sweet I turn down, I come that much closer to my goal.  I know I will never be skinny.  Which I am fine with, but I want to be healthy again.  

Reasons to lose weight:

-To be healthy again

-To hopefully make my Diabetes and High Blood Pressure and Tachycardia go away

-To hopefully help my anxiety and depression

-To be able to walk a couple miles without stopping or to be more active

-To be able to go out in public without being stared at like I am a circus freak

-To have nicer clothes, to actually be able to wear jeans again

-To be able to do things I can't do right now, like go on rides at Canada's Wonderland or go walk around a mall

-To be able to actually go do a active job

-To play a game of basketball again

-To be able to and want to hang out with people again in public places for example going to the movies or out for coffee.

-To be able to run one day, it doesn't have to be a marathon but 1 mile.

Reasons to stay the weight I am:

-To be able to eat what I want.... But that really isn't a good reason and to stay the weight I am, I can't really eat what I want and not gain more weight.

The pros far outweigh the cons.  Which I knew they would but I wanted and needed to put them out there.  I will die if I don't lose weight, I have let my weight get so out of hand that if I don't continue my journey I will end up being dead at a very young age.  Which I don't want.  

So this is what I am going to do, challenge myself starting today. For one week.  So until next Tuesday.  No junk food, I need time to detox again. Also a walk at least once everyday. (I am alright without junk as far as chips etc, it is the damn sweets!).  But NO more, I am going to challenge myself to go one week without any treats.  When I started my weight loss journey I went without sweets for over a month! I can do this!

Stay tuned! :) 

The Biggest Mental Journey....

I started my journey February 19th, 2015.  I was 604 lbs, I was weighed back in December of 2014 when I went to the emergency room for yet another bladder infection.  I remember thinking "I need to know my number."  I needed to face it, and finally if possible find out where I was health wise.  I knew that I wasn't in a good place as I barely got off the couch, my diet consisted of high fat and very high carb foods.  I had just been diagnosed with Diabetes (Type 2) and my blood sugar was so out of whack.  I remember asking the nurse if they would have a scale that would go up high enough to weigh me.  She asked me what I thought I weighed.  I said I believed "500 or 550".  She had to check and let me know that there was a bariatric bed scale she could use to weigh me on.  I remember getting up on that bed and laying down, scared to find out my number.
It read 604 lbs.  The nurse was in shock.  I was in shock.  The nurse said "You do not look like someone who weighs 604 lbs."  I was speechless.  I wish I could say that, that was the turning point where I woke up and realized that I had to do something NOW.  But I decided that I was going to start watching what I ate in the new year.  Which of course the new year came and I did nothing, I still was eating the same high fat and high carb foods. (So I may have been larger than 604 lbs, when I started my journey.)  The turning point came after one of my horrible, horrible showers. It was around January I believe that this turning point happened.  Let me explain to you (and I am sorry if this grosses anyone out, but it is the truth.) when you get to be 604 lbs showering is not an easy task, neither is standing, walking or doing anything other than sitting and watching TV.  I was in so much pain all the time, walking to the kitchen I was out of breath.  I could barely stand for 5 minutes.  I was lucky to stand for 3 minutes.  My knees hurt non stop.  I got to the point where I feared showering.  I was scared not only that my back would give out and I would fall in the shower, but that I would slip and fall in the shower because I was not good on my feet.  Every shower that I would have, I would cry.  So this shower that I had I was so frustrated....I had gone almost 4 days without a shower (yes I know it is disgusting, but I was scared to shower).  I was standing in the shower and it was like I had 5 minutes from the time I got in the shower to be done or else my back would start to give out.  So I had reached my 5 minutes and my back started to give out, the pain was horrible.  I screamed, I remember Rob (my fiance) coming in and asking if I was okay, and I got mad at him.  I actually yelled at him. I was so angry that I couldn't do the most simple thing.  I wasn't able to stand in the shower and wash off, I remember bawling my eyes out, thinking that it was never going to get better and thinking "What kind of a life is this?",  thinking that this is how it was going to be for the rest of my life.  I remember thinking that I had two choices.  1. I could keep going the way I was and likely end up dying because of my weight or from my depression which was eating me alive, I was constantly depressed and contemplating suicide or 2. I could fight.  I could try to get better.  I remember sitting on the side of the tub, because I always had to get out of the shower and rest for a couple minutes.  I got mad.  I remember thinking I am 30 years old.  I am in a relationship with a man who loves me more than anything I should be happy, not contemplating suicide constantly or being this depressed all the time.  I remember thinking I have to start something.  So that night after I got out of the shower, I dug out my MP3 player, I put a bandana on my head and I started walking laps from the kitchen to the couch.  At first I could only make it 4 times.  I remember being so frustrated and crying to Rob, who did nothing but comfort me and say that I can do this and that eventually I would be walking a lot further.  Everyday I would do my laps I eventually got up to around 20 times from the kitchen to the couch.  I found it was a lot easier to stand.  I also wasn't having the knee pain I had previously, it was still there but not as bad.  February 19th, after saying over and over again "Monday I will start", "Next week I will start watching what I am eating".  I started portioning my food and eating clean.  I stopped eating as many sweets and cut out junk food for the most part.  I started eating low carb.  When I went for my doctor's appointment in March (I had just found a new family doctor, who I love by the way) when I was weighed I was down to 576 lbs.  After that appointment I was more determined than ever to do this.  I started walking up to the end of the road.  I remember that first time I made it to the end of the road.  My body was so sore, but it felt so good.  I started taking my dog Ellie out with me and would walk up to the end of the road every morning.  I then started going every afternoon as well.  In April after walking up to the end of the road for approx 2 months (towards the end of April.) I will never forget this, there are stairs at the end of my road that you can go up (3 steps) they take you up to the trail. Ellie was pulling, and pulling, she wanted to go further.  So I walked up the stairs and let her sniff around.  She started pulling some more to go down the trail.  I remember thinking, I can't do that, there is no way.  I said to Ellie "Common we have to go back Ellie, Mommy can't go that far."  Ellie was set on going, so I went, it hurt and my back ached and my knees were burning, but I did it, I went around the block!!!! That was a huge milestone.  I remember getting home and crying.  I couldn't believe I had that in me.  I knew at that moment honestly that my puppy dog Ellie was meant for me.  She was honestly meant to be in my life to help me along this journey.  She was smiling at me when we got home and looking at me like "See Mommy, you can do this."  It is now June and I am walking close to a mile 5-6 times a week with none other than my best friend beside me everyday. I was weighed yesterday and I have lost an additional 35 lbs! So overall I am down 71 lbs!!!! I have a goal to reach 100 lbs lost by myself, without the aid of weight loss surgery it is just a personal goal I have.  I am so proud that I am 29 lbs away from that goal! I honestly have always been the type of person who starts things and never finishes them, I always give up.  Doing this I have learned that I do have determination.  I am more determined than ever to do this, I WILL GET to 200 lbs.  I am not perfect, I have slipped along the way and I have treated myself, but that is what life is about.  I hope that I can inspire at least one person who feels like it isn't possible.  One person who feels like they cannot get their life on track.  I am here to say, we are capable of so much more than we believe.  This journey so far has been a huge mental journey.  I WILL DO THIS.