So I binged. It was a binge that was much like my older binges, where I would of course binge on sweets. I have been dealing with a lot of stress lately, money worries and stretching pay cheques far beyond what they are meant to stretch. I don't know if I mentioned before that I have been going to OA (Overeaters Anonymous) meetings.....well I was. I went to two meetings last month for the first time ever. I like that there are other people there that are going through the same thing and that are struggling with overeating, however for me I am having a hard time relating to the religious aspect of the group or the "higher power". I do believe there is a higher power or a god, something up there. However I am not a religious person who worships any particular religion so I think that is why I am getting caught up in the higher power aspect of the OA group. I also don't like that there doesn't seem to be a lot of time to share with other members or talk freely among the members at the meetings. It is a by the book process that is followed from start to finish. However maybe I was getting something from it because the two weeks that I went I seemed to have my eating under control, also maybe I didn't give it enough time before judging. All in all I haven't written the group off, I think I am going to go next week.
It does scare me though that I had a binge episode last night. It was a classic episode where I overate to extreme. In one sitting I ate:
12 bakery cookies (Chocolate chip)- 140 cal x 12 = 1680 cal
1 box of Mike and Ike candy- 1 serving is 140 cal however I ate the whole box which was 420 cal
1 Jersey Milk Chocolate bar- 1 serving was 6 pieces 210 cal however I ate the whole bar which was 15 pieces so 525 cal
Total binge calories: 2625 calories.....
It makes me so ashamed to even type this out. But I need to confront it and move on. It is so stupid after I ate the cookies I felt so sick, so sick I wanted to go lay down. But because the box of candy and the chocolate bar was sitting there I ate it too. It is like if the food is there I can't stop thinking about it, if I eat it and it is gone I don't have to think about it anymore and the temptation is gone. The biggest mistake I think I make is getting to comfortable and thinking that I have control over my addiction to food, sweets in particular. Thinking that I can just have one piece of something or one cookie. I can't because as I demonstrated last night I ate one, then another one and another one until it was 12 cookies. Food addiction is real. The thing that I don't get is the fact that the cookies honestly didn't even taste that good. Yet I overate them!
I am so scared, everyday I literally live my life in fear. Fear that I will become that 604 lb girl again. Especially when I have episodes like this. I also get mad at myself because I think I have already been 604 lbs and absolutely hated my life when I was at that weight. Why am I risking getting back to that weight? So then I go through the guilt and shame and self hate because I feel like a weak person because I am not able to just stay away from the sweets. But I am fighting an addiction. This is a cold, hard addiction. I quit smoking and yes there are days where I would give ANYTHING for a cigarette. But I don't give in because then the cigarettes will have power over me again. Plus I feel so much better not smoking. I need to get that way with sweets. I believe I am a person who can't have any sweets or junk food. It just sets me up to fail. So I am making a pledge to myself, especially suffering from Diabetes (Type 2). That I will NOT eat sweets. I cannot control myself when it comes to sweets. I even overeat fruit sometimes, mainly grapes, so I have to stay away from them. But I am going to starting today take a pledge to not eat sweets. I do NOT want to end up at 604 lbs again and eating the way I did last night it wouldn't take long to pack on the pounds.
It will be hard but definitely worth the fight.
All I can say is I am mentally exhausted lately and I think that is why it has been easier to slip back into old routines. But it shouldn't be an excuse. NO MORE EXCUSES!
I WILL DO THIS!
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