Benefits Of Sadness

I have been seeing a hypnotist for awhile now, she is phenomenal.  She makes me think and has really helped me move past some things that I have held onto for a long time.  She gave me some homework recently, she wanted me to journal about the benefits of sadness.  I was supposed to do this awhile ago, and I keep putting it off.  But that proves that I should be confronting it.

For as long as I can remember I have suffered from depression and anxiety.  I was sexually abused when I was 8 years old.  I don't remember a time when I haven't been anxious or depressed.  Up until recently that is.  For a long time sadness was everything for me.  It was my crutch.  It was my excuse.  I am not saying that everyone with depression or anxiety uses it as an excuse, please do not take it as that, because that is NOT what I am saying.  In my case I think a lot of times the depression served as the only emotion I knew, it was what I was comfortable with and became second nature.  Happiness was unknown and uncomfortable.  With what I was dealing with (past events) depression/sadness was what I felt I deserved.  I had until this year pretty much resigned myself to the fact that depression and sadness and anxiety was what I deserved and how I was meant to feel the rest of my life because of the past.  But I got to the point where enough was enough.  I have done things that I myself am not proud of, but I am not a monster. Horrible things have been done to me, things that nobody should ever have to go through, but that shouldn't define me.  I punished myself for 23 years, 23 years of sadness and depression and feeling not good enough.  Well enough is enough!

Being sad all these years I relied on everyone else and lived through them.  I became a recluse and ended up gaining weight and becoming 604 lbs! Being sad didn't benefit me at all.  I am tired of being sad.  I choose happiness, I choose life.

I have bad days like everyone else, and yes I still have depression and anxiety.  But since I have taken control of my life as far as my health exercising and my diet I feel a lot better. I have also felt a lot better since I have been working on myself mentally.  I am on a journey, a whole mental/physical journey. I will get through this.  I will definitely get to my goal.