Thursday, January 22, 2015


I remember the first time I had an anxiety attack....

I was 8 years old. I was taking gymnastics class and my Mom had just dropped me off at the class.  I walked in and I felt lightheaded.  I remember not wanting to go to the class that night and being upset, but my Mom wanted me to go and have fun, and enjoy myself.  Which is definitely understandable.  I remember walking in and feeling like my throat was going to close up.  I went up to the teacher and started to cry, when she asked me what was wrong I said I couldn't breathe and felt dizzy.  She took me over to the chairs at the side of the gym and rubbed my back and had someone call an ambulance.  I was hysterical at this point because I felt like I couldn't breathe, I felt like I was going to throw up and the room was spinning.  I remember the paramedics coming in and checking me over, telling me to calm down and breathe, then they wanted to put an oxygen mask on me to give me some extra oxygen.  I remember my Mom coming back and she was worried.  The paramedics said I needed to be checked out, my Mom said she would take me into the Emergency Room.  The one paramedic gave me a little lion stuffed animal.  The doctor that saw us at the Emergency Room said it was a panic attack.

Over the years I have had likely hundreds of panic/anxiety attacks.  They are never fun.  You believe you are dying, your throat feels like it is closing, you start to sweat, you get nausea, chest pains (sometimes).  The worst part is trying to get your mind to stop because more often than not when you are having an anxiety or panic attack it is likely because you are over thinking things.  The more symptoms that you have the more you start to over think things and convince yourself you are dying and then you set off a whole bunch of other fears/thoughts.  

I have struggled with anxiety now for 22 years of my life.  I have found things that do help me when I am having an anxiety attack, but sometimes even my techniques don't help.  My anxiety over the years has seemed to get worse rather than better.  I am now at the point where I don't leave my house very often.  I don't have any irrational fear of something happening to me if I go out, or that a disaster is going to happen. No I am scared of people making fun of me.  I am at the point right now where I leave my apartment for 3 things.  1.  To take my boyfriend to work or pick him up from work, 2. To go to doctors/specialist appointments, and 3. To go to my parent's house.  That is it.  I don't go into stores, I have horrible anxiety attacks when I have to go to a doctors appointment because I have to see strangers in the waiting room and they might make a comment on my weight.  I miss being able to go into stores.  I miss being able to shop.  But I am so afraid of hearing the comments people make that I sit in the car.  Even driving I don't look around at other cars really I keep my vision straight ahead, in the summer if I come up to a stop light I roll the windows up because people in cars that pull up beside me have made comments before about my weight.  So I roll up the windows and most of the time if I am in the car by myself I have music on loud enough so that I can't hear the comments if they are made if I do leave the windows down at all.

What kind of a life is this?  Honestly, even if I wanted to go into a store I know I wouldn't be able to walk very far in the store due to my weight.  Which upsets me.  My back is destroyed due to the herniated disc in my back, which of course is made worse by my weight crushing it.  

I am constantly scared of dying.  I am convinced each day that something is wrong with me.  For example today I have pain in my leg and my legs are swollen, to the point where if I push my finger into my calf it leaves an indentation.  Which is not good.  My legs however have been swollen since I had cellulitis over 6 years ago.  But I am constantly scared that I have a clot in my leg.  Then my left leg started going numb and tingly so I thought something was wrong with that.  It could be the fact that I have Diabetes now.  But with anxiety everything is amplified all the fears.

I just need to take a breath and breathe.  Do you ever suffer from horrible anxiety attacks?

Saturday, January 10, 2015

Oh Hello 30's....New Year, New Goals....

It is so funny as I grow up, how much I realize that the little things don't really matter.
For example I got a new pair of eyeglasses.  When I picked them out, I cared a bit what they looked like when they were on, I mean I have to wear them everyday, I want them to look somewhat half decent.  Well they came in today and I put them on and they look like a totally different pair.  I don't really like how they look, they are kind of too round for my face I think.  But I can see.  I can finally see.  My prescription in the glasses changed so much that I am just thankful that I have glasses that I can see, more than what they look like on my face at this moment in time.

Maybe being 30 is changing me one small characteristic at a time.  What I would love to learn in my 30's which I could never get a handle of in my 20's is to not care what other people think.  I am a very opinionated person, I do stand up for what I believe in however I find myself more recently caring what other people think.  I think it is normal to care what other people think to a degree, but to let it change you to the point where you avoid doing certain things because of your fears is another thing.  This year I have taken on a vow to make a lot of changes.  Not only do I want to work on myself physically, I want to work on myself mentally.  I am bad for not pushing myself to do things.  I need to start pushing myself to do things as uncomfortable as it may be.  For example right now I don't like going into stores.  The reason why....I get made fun of.  Someone will make a comment when I am just walking through a store about my weight.  I understand I am a big girl.  I understand that you may not be used to seeing someone as big as myself in the store, however that does not mean that I don't have feelings.  But I need to start not caring and just pushing myself to go into the stores and let the comments not bother me. They don't know me, or what I have been through or what struggles I have endured in my lifetime, just as I do not know their struggles.  I need to develop the mentality that I just don't care.  I need to stop letting people bully and get the better of me because I deserve to be happy just as much as the next person.

Another thing I would love to curb in my 30's is my procrastination problem. I honestly am queen of procrastination. There is not one thing that I don't procrastinate about.  For example right now my dishes....I was doing really well there for awhile and doing my dishes everyday, then I end up letting one day go and one day turns into two I keep telling myself "I will do them later."  well later never comes.  So here they sit almost a week later and instead of having a couple pots and plates to do up, I have several pots, glasses, plates, cutlery and measuring cups etc.  Same thing with laundry.  I say I am going to keep up on it, I do a load of laundry it sits in the basket folded even sometimes.  I don't put it away and then what happens? It piles up in my bedroom.  Every aspect of my life I procrastinate in, even when I have something that needs to be sent in by a certain date, I always wait until the last minute.

This year is going to be a year of big changes.  This year is going to be a better year.

Tuesday, January 06, 2015

2015....A Year Of Change....

I can't believe it is 2015 already....

With a new year many changes start.  This year is no doubt going to be one of the hardest years that I have gone though likely ever.  However it is going to hopefully be the most rewarding in many ways.
I am scared for the changes, but only because there are going to be so many and it all seems so overwhelming if you sit there and analyze it.  But am I up for the changes? YOU BET!!

2014 ended with news that I now have yet another health problem.  I currently have PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome) also High Blood Pressure, oh and General Anxiety Disorder, and Major Depression now I found out that I have Diabetes as well.  Before I always did pride myself on being a pretty healthy bigger person.  Well let me tell you this year that has gone out the window.  It just goes to show you that if you let your health get out of control for any length of time health problems may not happen right away, but down the line it will most definitely catch up with you!!  Now I am having a problem with my heart beating too fast, I have a high RHR.  In a normal person your RHR (Resting Heart Rate) is supposed to be in between 60-100 BPM (Beats Per Minute).  Mine right now is averaging around 115-120 BPM. so I have a couple tests coming up for that.

So what am I doing????  Well first of all I have cut my portions back, I am also trying to cut out processed sugars.  The key word here is TRYING.  It is not always easy. I am also doing laps walking in my apartment.  It may not be a lot right now, but it is definitely better than what I was doing which was nothing. I am more determined than ever to get back into shape.  I also am doing a lot of research on PCOS and Diabetes and thinking that I am going to try a Low Carb/Low Glycemic Index meal plan.  Quite a few people who I have read about that have followed a Low Carb diet have had great success managing their PCOS symptoms.  The Low Glycemic Index foods will help with my blood sugars.

So what exactly is Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome? PCOS is one of the most common endocrine disorders among women. PCOS has a diverse range of causes that are not entirely understood, but there is evidence that it is largely a genetic disease
PCOS produces symptoms in approximately 5% to 10% of women of reproductive age (approximately 12 to 45 years old). It is thought to be one of the leading causes of female subfertility and the most frequent endocrine problem in women of reproductive age. Finding that the ovaries appear polycystic on ultrasound is common, but it is not an absolute requirement in all definitions of the disorder.

The most common immediate symptoms are anovulation, excess androgenic hormones, and insulin resistance. Anovulation results in irregular menstruationamenorrhea, and ovulation-related infertility. Hormone imbalance generally causes acneand hirsutism. Insulin resistance is associated with obesitytype 2 diabetes, and high cholesterol levelsThe symptoms and severity of the syndrome vary greatly among those affected.

Source: Wikipedia

My main goal this year is to become healthier.  I want to get my PCOS under control and having the weight loss surgery is going to be the first step to becoming healthier.  When I can reduce my weight not only will my PCOS symptoms go away or lessen, I will hopefully get my Diabetes under control, and my High Blood Pressure will be under control as well as a lower Resting Heart Rate.

So here is to 2015!!