Wednesday, December 23, 2015

Benefits Of Sadness

I have been seeing a hypnotist for awhile now, she is phenomenal.  She makes me think and has really helped me move past some things that I have held onto for a long time.  She gave me some homework recently, she wanted me to journal about the benefits of sadness.  I was supposed to do this awhile ago, and I keep putting it off.  But that proves that I should be confronting it.

For as long as I can remember I have suffered from depression and anxiety.  I was sexually abused when I was 8 years old.  I don't remember a time when I haven't been anxious or depressed.  Up until recently that is.  For a long time sadness was everything for me.  It was my crutch.  It was my excuse.  I am not saying that everyone with depression or anxiety uses it as an excuse, please do not take it as that, because that is NOT what I am saying.  In my case I think a lot of times the depression served as the only emotion I knew, it was what I was comfortable with and became second nature.  Happiness was unknown and uncomfortable.  With what I was dealing with (past events) depression/sadness was what I felt I deserved.  I had until this year pretty much resigned myself to the fact that depression and sadness and anxiety was what I deserved and how I was meant to feel the rest of my life because of the past.  But I got to the point where enough was enough.  I have done things that I myself am not proud of, but I am not a monster. Horrible things have been done to me, things that nobody should ever have to go through, but that shouldn't define me.  I punished myself for 23 years, 23 years of sadness and depression and feeling not good enough.  Well enough is enough!

Being sad all these years I relied on everyone else and lived through them.  I became a recluse and ended up gaining weight and becoming 604 lbs! Being sad didn't benefit me at all.  I am tired of being sad.  I choose happiness, I choose life.

I have bad days like everyone else, and yes I still have depression and anxiety.  But since I have taken control of my life as far as my health exercising and my diet I feel a lot better. I have also felt a lot better since I have been working on myself mentally.  I am on a journey, a whole mental/physical journey. I will get through this.  I will definitely get to my goal.

Wednesday, November 11, 2015

Addiction In Any Form Is HARD....

So I binged.  It was a binge that was much like my older binges, where I would of course binge on sweets.  I have been dealing with a lot of stress lately, money worries and stretching pay cheques far beyond what they are meant to stretch.  I don't know if I mentioned before that I have been going to OA (Overeaters Anonymous) meetings.....well I was.  I went to two meetings last month for the first time ever.  I like that there are other people there that are going through the same thing and that are struggling with overeating, however for me I am having a hard time relating to the religious aspect of the group or the "higher power".  I do believe there is a higher power or a god, something up there.  However I am not a religious person who worships any particular religion so I think that is why I am getting caught up in the higher power aspect of the OA group.  I also don't like that there doesn't seem to be a lot of time to share with other members or talk freely among the members at the meetings.  It is a by the book process that is followed from start to finish.  However maybe I was getting something from it because the two weeks that I went I seemed to have my eating under control, also maybe I didn't give it enough time before judging.  All in all I haven't written the group off, I think I am going to go next week.

It does scare me though that I had a binge episode last night.  It was a classic episode where I overate to extreme.  In one sitting I ate:

12 bakery cookies (Chocolate chip)- 140 cal x 12 = 1680 cal
1 box of Mike and Ike candy- 1 serving is 140 cal however I ate the whole box which was 420 cal
1 Jersey Milk Chocolate bar- 1 serving was 6 pieces 210 cal however I ate the whole bar which was 15 pieces so 525 cal

Total binge calories: 2625 calories.....

It makes me so ashamed to even type this out.  But I need to confront it and move on.  It is so stupid after I ate the cookies I felt so sick, so sick I wanted to go lay down.  But because the box of candy and the chocolate bar was sitting there I ate it too.  It is like if the food is there I can't stop thinking about it, if I eat it and it is gone I don't have to think about it anymore and the temptation is gone.  The biggest mistake I think I make is getting to comfortable and thinking that I have control over my addiction to food, sweets in particular.  Thinking that I can just have one piece of something or one cookie.  I can't because as I demonstrated last night I ate one, then another one and another one until it was 12 cookies.  Food addiction is real.  The thing that I don't get is the fact that the cookies honestly didn't even taste that good.  Yet I overate them!

I am so scared, everyday I literally live my life in fear.  Fear that I will become that 604 lb girl again.  Especially when I have episodes like this. I also get mad at myself because I think I have already been 604 lbs and absolutely hated my life when I was at that weight.  Why am I risking getting back to that weight? So then I go through the guilt and shame and self hate because I feel like a weak person because I am not able to just stay away from the sweets.  But I am fighting an addiction.  This is a cold, hard addiction.  I quit smoking and yes there are days where I would give ANYTHING for a cigarette.  But I don't give in because then the cigarettes will have power over me again.  Plus I feel so much better not smoking.  I need to get that way with sweets.  I believe I am a person who can't have any sweets or junk food.  It just sets me up to fail.  So I am making a pledge to myself, especially suffering from Diabetes (Type 2).  That I will NOT eat sweets.  I cannot control myself when it comes to sweets.  I even overeat fruit sometimes, mainly grapes, so I have to stay away from them.  But I am going to starting today take a pledge to not eat sweets.  I do NOT want to end up at 604 lbs again and eating the way I did last night it wouldn't take long to pack on the pounds.
It will be hard but definitely worth the fight.

All I can say is I am mentally exhausted lately and I think that is why it has been easier to slip back into old routines.  But it shouldn't be an excuse.  NO MORE EXCUSES!


Sunday, November 08, 2015

Weight Loss Journey Update!

Holy crap I have lost 108 lbs!!!! Yes I have a LONG way to go, however I have also come a LONG way from where I started.  I never thought I would ever have the courage to lose any big amount of weight.  I have learnt so much about myself on this journey so far and I still have a lot to learn about myself I am sure.  The biggest thing that I have learnt is to take things day by day.  If you look at the big picture it gets too overwhelming.  If you take it day by day it is easier to digest and tackle.  Losing weight is a HUGE mental undertaking.  You have to be in the right place mentally to lose weight especially when you are tackling losing a big amount of weight.

I started my journey in February of this year at 604 lbs and as of Oct 28th I am 496 lbs.  I am honestly proud of myself.  Every other time I have tried to lose weight I have given up.  I always started off with the best intentions and the first time I would "mess up" (messing up could be either eating something that wasn't on my "list" of okay foods or not working out when I was supposed to.) I would give up.  I had so many excuses that I fed myself, like 1.  I am meant to be overweight.  2.  I have PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome) so that makes me automatically bigger.  3.  I have tried to lose weight and I never can keep it off, it is too hard....and countless other excuses.
What makes this time different, even when I mess up, I don't give up.  You have to be ready to lose weight though.  Mentally you have to be ready to stop the excuses and commit to moving and trying to eat better (cleaner).  It took me years to get to a place where I could actually lose weight.  I still have as I have said a very long way to go (296 lbs) before I get to my goal weight, I am human and there are days I don't want to go for a walk, there are days I don't want to eat healthy, there are days I indulge and eat junk food.  But I don't give up anymore.  I start fresh the next day or next meal.  I am in no way an expert at losing weight.  But I have found what works for me (for now).  I walk.....a lot, I try to walk 4-6km 5 days a week.  I also try to go to the gym 3 times a week.  (I haven't been going recently to the gym because I did injure my foot, but I have been walking still even if I have to hobble.)
I measure and weigh my food.  I also use My Fitness Pal to track my food.  I have made a lifestyle change.  There are days where I miss being able to eat whatever I want to eat, but then I remember just where that lead me and what I let food take away from me.  I was trapped in my apartment, not living my life.  I chose food over everything.  Food controlled me.  Now I control me.

I am going to have gastric bypass surgery.  However the surgeon wants me to get down to 440 lbs, which I WILL do.  The surgery is going to be an additional tool to help me get to where I would like to get (200 lbs).

Here is a pic of the 108 lb difference:

I know I always promise to write more posts, but I promise I am going to try to write more frequently to keep you all updated on my progress.  I want to share my journey with you and make my journey public so that others who are going through the same thing and felt as hopeless as I did at 604 lbs, have someone that they can talk to and relate to.  I always felt alone and it was so scary feeling like I was the only one who was going through this.  I want you to know if you are reading this and you are super morbidly obese, you are NOT alone.  Please reach out to me if you ever want someone to talk to! Also I am documenting my weight loss journey on Instagram.  You can follow along HERE

Stay tuned! :)

Friday, August 21, 2015

One Step At A Time....

Hey all! Sorry that I haven't written in a long time.  I promise I am going to make more of a conscious effort to update my blog.  I know some of you are following along on my journey with me.  So for new readers and a recap for those who are following along but want a recap, I started my journey in February 2015, I was 604 lbs.  I was miserable.  I couldn't even walk to the kitchen from the couch in my apartment without being out of breath.  Honestly walking to the end of my driveway was horrible and I would be at the point of crying.  When you are inactive for as long as I was EVERYTHING hurts and your muscles start to seize up from not being used enough.  Everything at 604 lbs was a chore.  I also couldn't do basic things.  I couldn't put socks on, I couldn't put on my shoes (unless they were slip on shoes), let alone tie my shoes and this may be TMI, and I am sorry but I couldn't even shower properly and was too "proud" to admit I actually needed help.  I also couldn't wipe when I went to the bathroom properly.  I know this is disgusting but I am putting all this out there so that anyone reading in the same position can see I WENT THROUGH THIS.  But it comes down to the choice you can either 1. Stay the same way with one foot in the grave or 2. Do something about it, FIGHT.  I chose to FIGHT.

I started my journey doing small things, walking from one side of the apartment to the other.  I also started trying to portion out my food and cut down on the sweets I was eating.  I have bad days and good days, this is a journey.  I am not perfect and there are a lot of days that I get discouraged but remind myself how far I have come.  Cause.....I have lost 85 lbs in just over 6 months.  I am so happy! I am now 519 lbs.  I have a long way to go, but I have come a LONG way!

Today I walked 2.5 miles in ONE walk.  I am honestly amazed how far I have come.  Honestly I went from being out of breath walking a few feet to walking 2.5 miles!

I can't even begin to stress how important having a Fitbit Flex has been during this journey.  I have been able to push myself and achieve goals I never would have thought I could achieve.  It is awesome being able to now walk 2.5 miles in one walk, I may have to sit and rest my back for like 3 minutes at a bench on the trail however I am able to be active for almost an hour walking!

Here are my progress pictures:


As I have said I have a LONG way to go (319 lbs) more, however I have come a LONG way from where I used to be.  I am so happy that I can do everything I was not able to before.  I want to show others out there that you CAN do this.  As hard as it seems.  When I was at 604 lbs I had every excuse in the book not to exercise, or why I ate the way I ate.  I also thought I was too overweight and would never lose weight.  I felt hopeless.  But I just got to the point where I couldn`t take being 604 lbs anymore.  I didn`t want to be a burden on my fiance anymore.  I wanted to feel better.  I have tried a lot of diets and have tried losing weight before and always gave up after a month of trying.  I never kept going, this time I have kept going and I am seeing results which makes me that much more motivated to keep going or to push myself further.  Even yesterday when I was at the doctor`s office and they weighed me and I found out that I only lost 1 lb between August 5th-August 20th  I was frustrated but I am NOT giving up! The biggest thing is to keep on going, to keep moving, keep eating clean (for the most part) as I have said I am definitely NOT perfect and I do have days where I end up eating stuff I shouldn`t.  But those days are fewer and farther between than they used to be, also I find that when I do eat the bad stuff (sweets) I don`t eat as much as I used to.  I will get down to 200 lbs.  I am going to do this.  

Here is another progress picture:

I honestly feel 110% better than I did in January.  Seeing progress pictures like this motivates me and keeps me accountable.  I am also on Instagram if you want to follow along with my journey HERE
I am very lucky to have an AMAZING support system and phenomenal friends who are there for me through every step of my journey.  It really, really helps!

Just remember you CAN achieve ANYTHING you put your mind to.

Tuesday, July 14, 2015

Where Is My Determination?!?!

Ugh....have you ever been just soooo frustrated that you want to scream?!?! 

I have lost a total of 70 lbs since I started my weight loss journey in February 2015.  I have worked hard, eating clean and exercising, after almost 5 months of this I am getting off track and slipping.  I have been walking less and eating more lately.  It is like all the effort I have put into my weight loss journey is now being sabotaged and by the one and

I initially had a goal to lose 100 lbs before I resorted to weight loss surgery. I was so close, I am so close, 30 more pounds to go! I went and met with the surgeon who seemed impressed that I had lost 70 lbs, however wants me to lose another 100 lbs before he will operate.  He wants me to be around 440 lbs before he will operate, as he explained it will be safer based on my BMI at the time.  Which I understand however when he told me that it was like he took my goal away from me and put conditions on it.  He made it his goal. I knew when I met him that I would need to lose more weight, but I never thought I would have to lose 100 lbs more. 

Right now I am 534 lbs, so I have close to 100 lbs more to go and I am sabotaging myself.  I keep eating stuff I know I shouldn't and not walking everyday like I was before.  Instead of taking his advice and making the goal my own again, I keep letting it get to me.  What really got to me is the fact that he said "Without weight loss surgery, you will gain back everything you lost." Well I am certainly proving him right....

I need to get back into the mental state I was in before I went and met him, because I was so determined.  I need to do this.  I can't go back to 604 lbs, I won't.  I will work with every fibre of my being to get down that extra 100 lbs.  

Know what I CAN DO THIS.  I have come too damn far to give up and let what one person says overshadow the progress I have made.  I have come so far.  I still have a LONG way to go, but with every walk I take and every sweet I turn down, I come that much closer to my goal.  I know I will never be skinny.  Which I am fine with, but I want to be healthy again.  

Reasons to lose weight:

-To be healthy again
-To hopefully make my Diabetes and High Blood Pressure and Tachycardia go away
-To hopefully help my anxiety and depression
-To be able to walk a couple miles without stopping or to be more active
-To be able to go out in public without being stared at like I am a circus freak
-To have nicer clothes, to actually be able to wear jeans again
-To be able to do things I can't do right now, like go on rides at Canada's Wonderland or go walk around a mall
-To be able to actually go do a active job
-To play a game of basketball again
-To be able to and want to hang out with people again in public places for example going to the movies or out for coffee.
-To be able to run one day, it doesn't have to be a marathon but 1 mile.

Reasons to stay the weight I am:
-To be able to eat what I want.... But that really isn't a good reason and to stay the weight I am, I can't really eat what I want and not gain more weight.

The pros far outweigh the cons.  Which I knew they would but I wanted and needed to put them out there.  I will die if I don't lose weight, I have let my weight get so out of hand that if I don't continue my journey I will end up being dead at a very young age.  Which I don't want.  

So this is what I am going to do, challenge myself starting today. For one week.  So until next Tuesday.  No junk food, I need time to detox again. Also a walk at least once everyday. (I am alright without junk as far as chips etc, it is the damn sweets!).  But NO more, I am going to challenge myself to go one week without any treats.  When I started my weight loss journey I went without sweets for over a month! I can do this!

Stay tuned! :) 

Thursday, June 11, 2015

The Biggest Mental Journey....

I started my journey February 19th, 2015.  I was 604 lbs, I was weighed back in December of 2014 when I went to the emergency room for yet another bladder infection.  I remember thinking "I need to know my number."  I needed to face it, and finally if possible find out where I was health wise.  I knew that I wasn't in a good place as I barely got off the couch, my diet consisted of high fat and very high carb foods.  I had just been diagnosed with Diabetes (Type 2) and my blood sugar was so out of whack.  I remember asking the nurse if they would have a scale that would go up high enough to weigh me.  She asked me what I thought I weighed.  I said I believed "500 or 550".  She had to check and let me know that there was a bariatric bed scale she could use to weigh me on.  I remember getting up on that bed and laying down, scared to find out my number.
It read 604 lbs.  The nurse was in shock.  I was in shock.  The nurse said "You do not look like someone who weighs 604 lbs."  I was speechless.  I wish I could say that, that was the turning point where I woke up and realized that I had to do something NOW.  But I decided that I was going to start watching what I ate in the new year.  Which of course the new year came and I did nothing, I still was eating the same high fat and high carb foods. (So I may have been larger than 604 lbs, when I started my journey.)  The turning point came after one of my horrible, horrible showers. It was around January I believe that this turning point happened.  Let me explain to you (and I am sorry if this grosses anyone out, but it is the truth.) when you get to be 604 lbs showering is not an easy task, neither is standing, walking or doing anything other than sitting and watching TV.  I was in so much pain all the time, walking to the kitchen I was out of breath.  I could barely stand for 5 minutes.  I was lucky to stand for 3 minutes.  My knees hurt non stop.  I got to the point where I feared showering.  I was scared not only that my back would give out and I would fall in the shower, but that I would slip and fall in the shower because I was not good on my feet.  Every shower that I would have, I would cry.  So this shower that I had I was so frustrated....I had gone almost 4 days without a shower (yes I know it is disgusting, but I was scared to shower).  I was standing in the shower and it was like I had 5 minutes from the time I got in the shower to be done or else my back would start to give out.  So I had reached my 5 minutes and my back started to give out, the pain was horrible.  I screamed, I remember Rob (my fiance) coming in and asking if I was okay, and I got mad at him.  I actually yelled at him. I was so angry that I couldn't do the most simple thing.  I wasn't able to stand in the shower and wash off, I remember bawling my eyes out, thinking that it was never going to get better and thinking "What kind of a life is this?",  thinking that this is how it was going to be for the rest of my life.  I remember thinking that I had two choices.  1. I could keep going the way I was and likely end up dying because of my weight or from my depression which was eating me alive, I was constantly depressed and contemplating suicide or 2. I could fight.  I could try to get better.  I remember sitting on the side of the tub, because I always had to get out of the shower and rest for a couple minutes.  I got mad.  I remember thinking I am 30 years old.  I am in a relationship with a man who loves me more than anything I should be happy, not contemplating suicide constantly or being this depressed all the time.  I remember thinking I have to start something.  So that night after I got out of the shower, I dug out my MP3 player, I put a bandana on my head and I started walking laps from the kitchen to the couch.  At first I could only make it 4 times.  I remember being so frustrated and crying to Rob, who did nothing but comfort me and say that I can do this and that eventually I would be walking a lot further.  Everyday I would do my laps I eventually got up to around 20 times from the kitchen to the couch.  I found it was a lot easier to stand.  I also wasn't having the knee pain I had previously, it was still there but not as bad.  February 19th, after saying over and over again "Monday I will start", "Next week I will start watching what I am eating".  I started portioning my food and eating clean.  I stopped eating as many sweets and cut out junk food for the most part.  I started eating low carb.  When I went for my doctor's appointment in March (I had just found a new family doctor, who I love by the way) when I was weighed I was down to 576 lbs.  After that appointment I was more determined than ever to do this.  I started walking up to the end of the road.  I remember that first time I made it to the end of the road.  My body was so sore, but it felt so good.  I started taking my dog Ellie out with me and would walk up to the end of the road every morning.  I then started going every afternoon as well.  In April after walking up to the end of the road for approx 2 months (towards the end of April.) I will never forget this, there are stairs at the end of my road that you can go up (3 steps) they take you up to the trail. Ellie was pulling, and pulling, she wanted to go further.  So I walked up the stairs and let her sniff around.  She started pulling some more to go down the trail.  I remember thinking, I can't do that, there is no way.  I said to Ellie "Common we have to go back Ellie, Mommy can't go that far."  Ellie was set on going, so I went, it hurt and my back ached and my knees were burning, but I did it, I went around the block!!!! That was a huge milestone.  I remember getting home and crying.  I couldn't believe I had that in me.  I knew at that moment honestly that my puppy dog Ellie was meant for me.  She was honestly meant to be in my life to help me along this journey.  She was smiling at me when we got home and looking at me like "See Mommy, you can do this."  It is now June and I am walking close to a mile 5-6 times a week with none other than my best friend beside me everyday. I was weighed yesterday and I have lost an additional 35 lbs! So overall I am down 71 lbs!!!! I have a goal to reach 100 lbs lost by myself, without the aid of weight loss surgery it is just a personal goal I have.  I am so proud that I am 29 lbs away from that goal! I honestly have always been the type of person who starts things and never finishes them, I always give up.  Doing this I have learned that I do have determination.  I am more determined than ever to do this, I WILL GET to 200 lbs.  I am not perfect, I have slipped along the way and I have treated myself, but that is what life is about.  I hope that I can inspire at least one person who feels like it isn't possible.  One person who feels like they cannot get their life on track.  I am here to say, we are capable of so much more than we believe.  This journey so far has been a huge mental journey.  I WILL DO THIS.

Monday, May 25, 2015

A Work in Progress....

So far I have lost a total of 36 lbs since I have embarked on this journey to better myself.  I will have an updated weight when I go for a check up June 10th. I have been watching what I have been eating for a total of 120 days, eating mainly lower carb, healthy options.  I have cut out pasta, potatoes and bread for the most part.  I have also cut out sweets and junk food for the most part, sometimes I do give in and allow myself a little something.  But for the most part I am being good about watching what I am eating.

I am walking almost a mile everyday.  I have been walking around the block. Every morning I take my fiance to work and then come home and take my puppy dog out for a walk.  My puppy Ellie has motivated me so much during these past couple months, there have been days when I come home and I just want to go back to bed, I am sore and achy and don't want to walk around the block.  But then I come home and see Ellie and how excited she is to go out for a walk and I can't let her down.  Ellie is the one who pushed me to go around the block in the first place.  I walked her to the end of the road and she wanted to go further.  So she pulled and pulled until I walked further.  I have her to thank for how far I have come.  She pushed me to be a better version of myself.

I have a goal to reach 100 lbs lost before I have weight loss surgery.  I am hoping that right now I am around 50 lbs lost but I will be able to confirm that June 10th.

There is not a day that goes by that it isn't a battle.  I constantly think about what I am eating and sometimes almost to the point where I am obsessive over it.  I also feel very guilty when I do break down and eat something that I know I am not supposed to eat like a sweet or junk food.  It has also been a process to try to fight the urge to eat when I am stressed out.  I am so used and programmed to just reach for food to comfort myself.  So fighting that urge has been hard at times.  But I have won the battle more times than I have lost.  I also have to constantly remind myself that if I do give in and have a little something, I can get back on the wagon the next day.  A lot of self talk takes place each day, reminding myself that I am normal, and nobody can be perfect and eat healthy 365 days a year.  It is allowing myself to fail but keep going.

I am still drinking protein shakes for breakfast and lunch, I not only find that they fill me up but they are much more convenient.  I am still on the path to have weight loss surgery.  I meet with the surgeon on June 17th at Humber River Regional Hospital.  I then go to my trio appointments July 21st, where I meet with the Social Worker, Dietitian and Nurse.  I am hoping that if everything goes well I will hopefully have an approval for surgery by the fall sometime.  I am also going for a sleep study in August to see if I have sleep apnea.

Oh and I also can't stress how important having a Fitbit has been.  My Fitbit Flex has kept me pretty motivated to keep walking as well.  I constantly try to outdo my previous day totals.

I am going to start weight training soon and am thinking of joining the YMCA shortly so that I can actually go to the gym and work out.  I need to add activity to my day.  Walking was a great start but I need to do some more if I want to get to the results I want.

"Failure will never overtake me if my determination to succeed is strong enough" -Og Mandino

Friday, March 27, 2015

Settling Into My New Lifestyle....

As most of you know I have been watching what I have been eating in an effort to lose weight.  I am on a huge weight loss journey.  Right now I have lost 28 lbs and on Tuesday I will see how much further I have come on this journey at my next weigh in.  I am following a low carb diet, I have eliminated potatoes, pasta and bread from my diet.

I will tell you this, I have a lot more energy than I had previously, I also do not have the pain in my knees that I had.  I am on day 61 of tracking my food with My Fitness Pal.  Right now I am allowed 433 g of carbs a day, I have myself down below 150 g of carbs a day.  I am going to eventually lower myself to 50 g of carbs. I am not eating very many processed foods at all.  I have cut out all sweets.  But honestly I may allow myself something here and there if I want it (a bit of something).  But I personally have found that if I have a sweet craving if I have something like fruit and cool whip or a smoothie I can usually satisfy my craving for something sweet.

I have found that being creative and finding great recipes are key to staying on the low carb eating plan I am following.  I am so lucky that my fiance loves to cook! There are so many amazing recipes that I will give you links to soon! Most recently I tried Cloud Bread.  It is phenomenal!

Find the recipe for Cloud Bread HERE

The recipe above has the option of sweetener I never use it, I omit that.

It is not too hard to follow the low carb diet, I have found following it, more than anything I don't miss the bread, pasta and potatoes.  Now that I am used to eating lower carb foods. I do miss fruit, I don't eat it much it is mostly unlimited veggies.  But for a treat I will eat some berries which are lower carb.

I am going to stay on this track, see where I go from here! :)

Thursday, March 12, 2015

FTB Beauty=AWESOME!!!!

Hello, my name is Kat and I am a makeup junkie....

Honestly.  I will spend every dime I have on makeup and be nothing but giddy about it!! Getting new makeup for me is like Christmas morning.  What do I love?  Affordable quality brands! Do I dream about Urban Decay Naked pallets? Yes.  But who wants to pay $64 for the Urban Decay Naked 2 pallet, when you could pay $25 for the Coastal Scents Revealed pallet which has 20 neutral eye shadows vs. Urban Decay's Naked pallet which has 12?  Honestly Coastal Scents pallet is so much better!

Have you also ever gone through the process of ordering makeup online from US retailers?  I have.....not fun. Not only do they charge shipping which is out of this world because we are Canadian and they have to ship "Internationally".  Not only is it the shipping charge that you may have to pay but to add insult to injury you may have to pay duty or customs fees on top of that.  So for example take a $7.99 lipstick that you love from an American cosmetic company, then add to that a $14.95 shipping fee and on top of that possibly duty and custom fees.  It isn't worth it.  

Well now you don't have to worry! This is where I tell you about an awesome, awesome site. FTB Beauty
FTB Beauty not only carries an assortment of American cosmetic brands think E.L.F., NYX, Coastal Scents, BH Cosmetics and more.... They ensure that you don't have to pay duty or customs fees. They even offer free shipping on orders of $50 or more! Standard shipping is $7.99 and expedited shipping is $12.99 which is still VERY reasonable.  

FTB Beauty has an amazing assortment of product that is very reasonably priced.  Plus the shipping, is phenomenal. I placed my order on a Thursday and had my order the following Monday.  That is with the standard shipping. Not only that their customer service....phenomenal.  Anna (FTB Beauty's owner) personally gets back to you in most cases if you have a question!  

I HIGHLY recommend FTB Beauty for all your beauty needs.  Please check them out!!

Saturday, March 07, 2015

Protein, Protein and a Little More Protein!

When you are trying to lose weight protein becomes an important factor.  Quality protein that is.  You want to make sure you are selecting protein that is going to help you not only sustain muscle but help you burn fat. Why didn't I ever think of these things before?  Who knows? But honestly now that I do know not only have I lost a bit of weight (28 lbs and counting) but I have so much more energy than I ever had before!  It is amazing.

Right now I am following the following meal plan:


1 scoop North Coast Naturals 100% Whey ISO (Vanilla) (24g protein per serving!)
1/4 cup Unsweetened Almond Milk (Silk)
1 TBSP of Kraft Smooth Peanut Butter (Buy the regular peanut butter! STAY AWAY from the natural and reduced sugar kinds, for example the natural 1TBSP is cal 90, fat 7g, carb 3g, fibre 1g, sugar 1g, protein 4g
Smooth- 90 cal, 8g fat, carb 4g, fibre 1g, 1g sugar and protein 3g, light smooth- 80 cal, 6g fat, 6g carbs, 1g fibre, 1g sugar, 3g protein.  There are more carbs in the light smooth than the regular smooth, the natural peanut butter is way too expensive for what it has, I mean it is not drastically lower in calories, fat etc so stick with the Regular smooth!)
1 or 2 handfuls of ice.

I blend the protein powder, almond milk and the peanut butter together in my blender for 2 minutes.  I then add the 1 or 2 handfuls of ice and set it on the ice crushing setting until it is blended. I then blend on high for a couple seconds.

I also have a yogurt with my breakfast protein shake, I personally like the Astro Zero Cocktail variety.


My protein shake again.
1 cup of Baby carrots, green beans, cucumber or sometimes an apple, sometimes I will have a piece of chicken or pork if there was some left over from the previous night (depending on how hungry I am, I have found lately that I am so full after drinking the protein shake).

23  Almonds or 3 slices of either ham, roast beef, pastrami, or turkey (Ziggy's deli meats) rolled up with some cucumber in the centre. If there is

1-2 (depending on how hungry I am) 4oz pieces of Chicken, Pork, Haddock or Salmon
3 cups of Dole Classic Iceburg lettuce salad
3 TBSP Unsalted roasted sunflower seeds
1 TBSP Kraft Creamy Cucumber Salad dressing.

I find that this meal plan fills me up.  I am full and satisfied throughout the day, and the energy I have is crazy.

I use North Coast Naturals 100% Whey Isolate in Vanilla, which is a phenomenal protein powder.

I personally love this protein powder, I have mixed it in the almond milk and water and it mixes very well.  I prefer it with the almond milk because it is a creamier texture.  But it is good with water as well.
I am trying to follow a low carb food plan, right now I am limiting myself to 100g of carbs a day.  I was trying to limit myself to 50g but it was too much too soon, with everything else I was changing as well.  So once I am in the habit of limiting myself to 100g I will cut back to 50g.  I have cut out potatoes, pasta, bread and refined sugars.  I am still eating yogurt because I absolutely love yogurt so I cannot give up dairy totally.

What have you found helps when you are trying to lose weight?

Friday, March 06, 2015

One Small Step At a Time....

So I had my doctors appointment March 3rd and I had the chance to be weighed again.  I was so nervous stepping on that scale.  I thought, what if I didn't lose anything? What if I gained weight? But sure enough I have lost 28 pounds!!!! That's right I have LOST 28 pounds!! I am in shock! I can't believe it.  I am so happy that my hard work has been paying off.  I went from my highest weight of 604 lbs down to now 576 lbs.  I am more determined than ever to keep on this track.  I am aiming to lose 100 lbs at least before I have weight loss surgery.  I am currently following a low carb diet trying to limit myself to no more than 100g of carbs a day.  I was going to try for 50g, but right now because I am limiting a lot of other aspects of my diet I have decided to get used to eating around 100g of carbs before I cut back to 50g.  I am not eating ANY pasta, potatoes, brown rice or bread.  I am making sure that I eat enough protein and veggies.  I am right now walking around my apartment still until spring when I can start walking up and down the road to get some exercise.

I am beyond proud of myself for sticking to this.  It has been about 40 days since I have started tracking my food and what I have been eating.  I am committed to this process and it is a lifestyle change.  I feel a lot better than I have felt in a long time.  

Stay tuned for more updates!

Wednesday, February 25, 2015

Progress....In The Right Direction....

So today was actually a good day!

I am such a procrastinator.  I honestly am the worst.  So today with the urging of my boyfriend I finally went to the bank and cancelled a bank account that I never use and have been paying $15 a month for, for the past 6 months.  I was hesitant to go because 1.  I have horrible anxiety....the thought of being in a public place sends me into panic mode, 2. I can't stand too long yet (which I am working on!) and 3. I just hate going out. So after procrastinating all morning, finally my boyfriend said "Get ready we are going".

So off to the bank we go, not only did I stand in the bank for 10-15 minutes, but I didn't have a horrible panic attack!! This may not seem like much to people, but honestly this is a big victory for me!! I am now all about celebrating the small things.  The fact that I was able to go into the bank and stand for the time needed to wait at the customer service desk, to be then told a teller can help me, to then waiting in line for the next available teller, to then standing there while the teller went through closing my account is a big victory.  Yes my back was aching when I was done, but I did it and it wasn't horrible.  Also I wasn't all sweaty and panic stricken being in the bank with other people!! So two victories in one day!

I am still walking in my apartment, doing laps, I try to everyday, but some days I don't for one reason or another.  I am at the point where I am walking 3.5 minutes.  I know it doesn't seem like much, but it is better than nothing, I am trying to look at the positive in situations. The key word here is TRYING.  Some days are better than others.

I do want to thank each and every one of my family and friends and of course my boyfriend who are putting up with me right now, because I know I can be a huge pain in the butt (think roller coaster of emotions).

I am going to, I know I keep saying it but definitely I am going to start doing some strength training and some floor exercises to help strengthen my legs and back.

What else....Oh I have found out I have an addiction to green beans.  Seriously fresh green beans with Italian dressing.  Oh also I have been logging my food for a whole month so that means I have been watching what I have been eating and portioning out everything for a month now! Which also means in the last month I have only eaten 1 sweet! THAT IS A HUGE VICTORY. No I didn't eat sweets everyday before but I ate them multiple times a week, and to only have eaten one sweet in the past month, that is honestly phenomenal.  I barely even crave them anymore, I mean my boyfriend and I went through the Tim Hortons drive thru today to get a coffee, and he had won a donut (from Roll Up The Rim), he got a Salted Caramel donut, I wasn't even jealous or upset.  Before (when I first was watching what I was eating) I would have been jealous that he got to eat the donut but today I didn't care.

I think the biggest thing for me is to realize that this is going to be a slow process, that I can't expect results right away, and that the things that are most worth it, come in time and are going to be hard to attain.  Just like with the weight loss surgery when I do get it I cannot expect it to do all the work, it is a tool, not a cure all.

Thank you as well to everyone who commented on my last post, it is really awesome to have some positive feedback/encouragement.

I will keep everyone updated as I embark further on this journey!

Friday, February 20, 2015

Everyday is a Winding Road....

So it took me a long time to decide if I was going to show you all this.  These pictures are valid proof of how far I have let myself slide. How much anguish and pain I have been in to eat myself to this point.  I wasn't even going to take these pictures because honestly, I didn't want to face it.  But guess what, I do want to face it.  I am sick of hiding! I am tired of being ashamed.
I AM A WORK IN PROGRESS.  I am walking, no not far, right now it is laps around my apartment, I aim to do at least 5 minutes a day.  Which is better than when I was laying in a depressive vegetative state on the couch.  I am also eating at the most 2500 calories a day. That is at the most 2500 calories most of the time I am aiming to stay between 1500-2000 calories.  I have not had ANY junk food for the past 2 weeks.  I am making changes.  I am trying to follow a low glycemic food list. I am going to add weight lifting and floor exercises to my routine to try and strengthen my back, every other day, and also try to push myself to walk 5 minutes everyday.  I am trying.  I am still not smoking as well.  I also am portioning out and measuring my food.

I AM TRYING.  It doesn't seem like much I know, but it will in time help me lose weight and it will help me right now get on track and prepare for the surgery.  I am still planning on having weight loss surgery.
I am going to start blogging more, so that I can share this journey with people, so that you can take from my story what you will.  I am becoming accountable for my actions.

So here is what a typical day of eating now looks like for me:

1/2 cup All Bran
1 Iogo yogurt cup
1 medium Granny Smith apple

1 Can of Tuna
1 1/2 cups of Dole classic iceburg salad
1 TBSP Kraft Italian Dressing (Calorie wise)
3 TBSP Unsalted roasted sunflower seeds

2 cups of Green beans
2 TBSP of Kraft Italian Dressing (Calorie Wise)

Boneless, Skinless Chicken breast (4 oz)
2 TBSP Homemade Guacamole
Mashed Sweet potato
1 1/2 cups of Dole classic iceburg salad
1TBSP Kraft Italian Dressing (Calorie Wise)
3 TBSP Unsalted roasted sunflower seeds

2 cups Baby Carrots
4 TBSP PC Medium Salsa

That is my day usually of eating now.  I also try to drink about 2L of water.  I drink a couple coffees as well with 1% milk, no sugar.  Or I drink decaf Green Tea.  I am going to be cutting caffeine pretty soon because you have to for the surgery anyways and I may as well start now.
I have been watching what I have been eating for approx a month now (27 days).  My boyfriend also got me a Fitbit Flex which has been motivating me to walk a bit more than normal.
But with all that said, here are my pictures.  I was weighed the last time in December just before the holidays and I was 604 lbs.  I do not know what I weigh now.  I am hoping under 600 lbs.  But I will get there. I know it will not happen over night.  I am trying and that is all that matters.

First set of pictures taken 02/19/2015

I am trying, and I will eventually succeed.

Thursday, January 22, 2015


I remember the first time I had an anxiety attack....

I was 8 years old. I was taking gymnastics class and my Mom had just dropped me off at the class.  I walked in and I felt lightheaded.  I remember not wanting to go to the class that night and being upset, but my Mom wanted me to go and have fun, and enjoy myself.  Which is definitely understandable.  I remember walking in and feeling like my throat was going to close up.  I went up to the teacher and started to cry, when she asked me what was wrong I said I couldn't breathe and felt dizzy.  She took me over to the chairs at the side of the gym and rubbed my back and had someone call an ambulance.  I was hysterical at this point because I felt like I couldn't breathe, I felt like I was going to throw up and the room was spinning.  I remember the paramedics coming in and checking me over, telling me to calm down and breathe, then they wanted to put an oxygen mask on me to give me some extra oxygen.  I remember my Mom coming back and she was worried.  The paramedics said I needed to be checked out, my Mom said she would take me into the Emergency Room.  The one paramedic gave me a little lion stuffed animal.  The doctor that saw us at the Emergency Room said it was a panic attack.

Over the years I have had likely hundreds of panic/anxiety attacks.  They are never fun.  You believe you are dying, your throat feels like it is closing, you start to sweat, you get nausea, chest pains (sometimes).  The worst part is trying to get your mind to stop because more often than not when you are having an anxiety or panic attack it is likely because you are over thinking things.  The more symptoms that you have the more you start to over think things and convince yourself you are dying and then you set off a whole bunch of other fears/thoughts.  

I have struggled with anxiety now for 22 years of my life.  I have found things that do help me when I am having an anxiety attack, but sometimes even my techniques don't help.  My anxiety over the years has seemed to get worse rather than better.  I am now at the point where I don't leave my house very often.  I don't have any irrational fear of something happening to me if I go out, or that a disaster is going to happen. No I am scared of people making fun of me.  I am at the point right now where I leave my apartment for 3 things.  1.  To take my boyfriend to work or pick him up from work, 2. To go to doctors/specialist appointments, and 3. To go to my parent's house.  That is it.  I don't go into stores, I have horrible anxiety attacks when I have to go to a doctors appointment because I have to see strangers in the waiting room and they might make a comment on my weight.  I miss being able to go into stores.  I miss being able to shop.  But I am so afraid of hearing the comments people make that I sit in the car.  Even driving I don't look around at other cars really I keep my vision straight ahead, in the summer if I come up to a stop light I roll the windows up because people in cars that pull up beside me have made comments before about my weight.  So I roll up the windows and most of the time if I am in the car by myself I have music on loud enough so that I can't hear the comments if they are made if I do leave the windows down at all.

What kind of a life is this?  Honestly, even if I wanted to go into a store I know I wouldn't be able to walk very far in the store due to my weight.  Which upsets me.  My back is destroyed due to the herniated disc in my back, which of course is made worse by my weight crushing it.  

I am constantly scared of dying.  I am convinced each day that something is wrong with me.  For example today I have pain in my leg and my legs are swollen, to the point where if I push my finger into my calf it leaves an indentation.  Which is not good.  My legs however have been swollen since I had cellulitis over 6 years ago.  But I am constantly scared that I have a clot in my leg.  Then my left leg started going numb and tingly so I thought something was wrong with that.  It could be the fact that I have Diabetes now.  But with anxiety everything is amplified all the fears.

I just need to take a breath and breathe.  Do you ever suffer from horrible anxiety attacks?

Saturday, January 10, 2015

Oh Hello 30's....New Year, New Goals....

It is so funny as I grow up, how much I realize that the little things don't really matter.
For example I got a new pair of eyeglasses.  When I picked them out, I cared a bit what they looked like when they were on, I mean I have to wear them everyday, I want them to look somewhat half decent.  Well they came in today and I put them on and they look like a totally different pair.  I don't really like how they look, they are kind of too round for my face I think.  But I can see.  I can finally see.  My prescription in the glasses changed so much that I am just thankful that I have glasses that I can see, more than what they look like on my face at this moment in time.

Maybe being 30 is changing me one small characteristic at a time.  What I would love to learn in my 30's which I could never get a handle of in my 20's is to not care what other people think.  I am a very opinionated person, I do stand up for what I believe in however I find myself more recently caring what other people think.  I think it is normal to care what other people think to a degree, but to let it change you to the point where you avoid doing certain things because of your fears is another thing.  This year I have taken on a vow to make a lot of changes.  Not only do I want to work on myself physically, I want to work on myself mentally.  I am bad for not pushing myself to do things.  I need to start pushing myself to do things as uncomfortable as it may be.  For example right now I don't like going into stores.  The reason why....I get made fun of.  Someone will make a comment when I am just walking through a store about my weight.  I understand I am a big girl.  I understand that you may not be used to seeing someone as big as myself in the store, however that does not mean that I don't have feelings.  But I need to start not caring and just pushing myself to go into the stores and let the comments not bother me. They don't know me, or what I have been through or what struggles I have endured in my lifetime, just as I do not know their struggles.  I need to develop the mentality that I just don't care.  I need to stop letting people bully and get the better of me because I deserve to be happy just as much as the next person.

Another thing I would love to curb in my 30's is my procrastination problem. I honestly am queen of procrastination. There is not one thing that I don't procrastinate about.  For example right now my dishes....I was doing really well there for awhile and doing my dishes everyday, then I end up letting one day go and one day turns into two I keep telling myself "I will do them later."  well later never comes.  So here they sit almost a week later and instead of having a couple pots and plates to do up, I have several pots, glasses, plates, cutlery and measuring cups etc.  Same thing with laundry.  I say I am going to keep up on it, I do a load of laundry it sits in the basket folded even sometimes.  I don't put it away and then what happens? It piles up in my bedroom.  Every aspect of my life I procrastinate in, even when I have something that needs to be sent in by a certain date, I always wait until the last minute.

This year is going to be a year of big changes.  This year is going to be a better year.

Tuesday, January 06, 2015

2015....A Year Of Change....

I can't believe it is 2015 already....

With a new year many changes start.  This year is no doubt going to be one of the hardest years that I have gone though likely ever.  However it is going to hopefully be the most rewarding in many ways.
I am scared for the changes, but only because there are going to be so many and it all seems so overwhelming if you sit there and analyze it.  But am I up for the changes? YOU BET!!

2014 ended with news that I now have yet another health problem.  I currently have PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome) also High Blood Pressure, oh and General Anxiety Disorder, and Major Depression now I found out that I have Diabetes as well.  Before I always did pride myself on being a pretty healthy bigger person.  Well let me tell you this year that has gone out the window.  It just goes to show you that if you let your health get out of control for any length of time health problems may not happen right away, but down the line it will most definitely catch up with you!!  Now I am having a problem with my heart beating too fast, I have a high RHR.  In a normal person your RHR (Resting Heart Rate) is supposed to be in between 60-100 BPM (Beats Per Minute).  Mine right now is averaging around 115-120 BPM. so I have a couple tests coming up for that.

So what am I doing????  Well first of all I have cut my portions back, I am also trying to cut out processed sugars.  The key word here is TRYING.  It is not always easy. I am also doing laps walking in my apartment.  It may not be a lot right now, but it is definitely better than what I was doing which was nothing. I am more determined than ever to get back into shape.  I also am doing a lot of research on PCOS and Diabetes and thinking that I am going to try a Low Carb/Low Glycemic Index meal plan.  Quite a few people who I have read about that have followed a Low Carb diet have had great success managing their PCOS symptoms.  The Low Glycemic Index foods will help with my blood sugars.

So what exactly is Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome? PCOS is one of the most common endocrine disorders among women. PCOS has a diverse range of causes that are not entirely understood, but there is evidence that it is largely a genetic disease
PCOS produces symptoms in approximately 5% to 10% of women of reproductive age (approximately 12 to 45 years old). It is thought to be one of the leading causes of female subfertility and the most frequent endocrine problem in women of reproductive age. Finding that the ovaries appear polycystic on ultrasound is common, but it is not an absolute requirement in all definitions of the disorder.

The most common immediate symptoms are anovulation, excess androgenic hormones, and insulin resistance. Anovulation results in irregular menstruationamenorrhea, and ovulation-related infertility. Hormone imbalance generally causes acneand hirsutism. Insulin resistance is associated with obesitytype 2 diabetes, and high cholesterol levelsThe symptoms and severity of the syndrome vary greatly among those affected.

Source: Wikipedia

My main goal this year is to become healthier.  I want to get my PCOS under control and having the weight loss surgery is going to be the first step to becoming healthier.  When I can reduce my weight not only will my PCOS symptoms go away or lessen, I will hopefully get my Diabetes under control, and my High Blood Pressure will be under control as well as a lower Resting Heart Rate.

So here is to 2015!!