Wednesday, February 25, 2015

Progress....In The Right Direction....

So today was actually a good day!

I am such a procrastinator.  I honestly am the worst.  So today with the urging of my boyfriend I finally went to the bank and cancelled a bank account that I never use and have been paying $15 a month for, for the past 6 months.  I was hesitant to go because 1.  I have horrible anxiety....the thought of being in a public place sends me into panic mode, 2. I can't stand too long yet (which I am working on!) and 3. I just hate going out. So after procrastinating all morning, finally my boyfriend said "Get ready we are going".

So off to the bank we go, not only did I stand in the bank for 10-15 minutes, but I didn't have a horrible panic attack!! This may not seem like much to people, but honestly this is a big victory for me!! I am now all about celebrating the small things.  The fact that I was able to go into the bank and stand for the time needed to wait at the customer service desk, to be then told a teller can help me, to then waiting in line for the next available teller, to then standing there while the teller went through closing my account is a big victory.  Yes my back was aching when I was done, but I did it and it wasn't horrible.  Also I wasn't all sweaty and panic stricken being in the bank with other people!! So two victories in one day!

I am still walking in my apartment, doing laps, I try to everyday, but some days I don't for one reason or another.  I am at the point where I am walking 3.5 minutes.  I know it doesn't seem like much, but it is better than nothing, I am trying to look at the positive in situations. The key word here is TRYING.  Some days are better than others.

I do want to thank each and every one of my family and friends and of course my boyfriend who are putting up with me right now, because I know I can be a huge pain in the butt (think roller coaster of emotions).

I am going to, I know I keep saying it but definitely I am going to start doing some strength training and some floor exercises to help strengthen my legs and back.

What else....Oh I have found out I have an addiction to green beans.  Seriously fresh green beans with Italian dressing.  Oh also I have been logging my food for a whole month so that means I have been watching what I have been eating and portioning out everything for a month now! Which also means in the last month I have only eaten 1 sweet! THAT IS A HUGE VICTORY. No I didn't eat sweets everyday before but I ate them multiple times a week, and to only have eaten one sweet in the past month, that is honestly phenomenal.  I barely even crave them anymore, I mean my boyfriend and I went through the Tim Hortons drive thru today to get a coffee, and he had won a donut (from Roll Up The Rim), he got a Salted Caramel donut, I wasn't even jealous or upset.  Before (when I first was watching what I was eating) I would have been jealous that he got to eat the donut but today I didn't care.

I think the biggest thing for me is to realize that this is going to be a slow process, that I can't expect results right away, and that the things that are most worth it, come in time and are going to be hard to attain.  Just like with the weight loss surgery when I do get it I cannot expect it to do all the work, it is a tool, not a cure all.

Thank you as well to everyone who commented on my last post, it is really awesome to have some positive feedback/encouragement.

I will keep everyone updated as I embark further on this journey!

Friday, February 20, 2015

Everyday is a Winding Road....

So it took me a long time to decide if I was going to show you all this.  These pictures are valid proof of how far I have let myself slide. How much anguish and pain I have been in to eat myself to this point.  I wasn't even going to take these pictures because honestly, I didn't want to face it.  But guess what, I do want to face it.  I am sick of hiding! I am tired of being ashamed.
I AM A WORK IN PROGRESS.  I am walking, no not far, right now it is laps around my apartment, I aim to do at least 5 minutes a day.  Which is better than when I was laying in a depressive vegetative state on the couch.  I am also eating at the most 2500 calories a day. That is at the most 2500 calories most of the time I am aiming to stay between 1500-2000 calories.  I have not had ANY junk food for the past 2 weeks.  I am making changes.  I am trying to follow a low glycemic food list. I am going to add weight lifting and floor exercises to my routine to try and strengthen my back, every other day, and also try to push myself to walk 5 minutes everyday.  I am trying.  I am still not smoking as well.  I also am portioning out and measuring my food.

I AM TRYING.  It doesn't seem like much I know, but it will in time help me lose weight and it will help me right now get on track and prepare for the surgery.  I am still planning on having weight loss surgery.
I am going to start blogging more, so that I can share this journey with people, so that you can take from my story what you will.  I am becoming accountable for my actions.

So here is what a typical day of eating now looks like for me:

1/2 cup All Bran
1 Iogo yogurt cup
1 medium Granny Smith apple

1 Can of Tuna
1 1/2 cups of Dole classic iceburg salad
1 TBSP Kraft Italian Dressing (Calorie wise)
3 TBSP Unsalted roasted sunflower seeds

2 cups of Green beans
2 TBSP of Kraft Italian Dressing (Calorie Wise)

Boneless, Skinless Chicken breast (4 oz)
2 TBSP Homemade Guacamole
Mashed Sweet potato
1 1/2 cups of Dole classic iceburg salad
1TBSP Kraft Italian Dressing (Calorie Wise)
3 TBSP Unsalted roasted sunflower seeds

2 cups Baby Carrots
4 TBSP PC Medium Salsa

That is my day usually of eating now.  I also try to drink about 2L of water.  I drink a couple coffees as well with 1% milk, no sugar.  Or I drink decaf Green Tea.  I am going to be cutting caffeine pretty soon because you have to for the surgery anyways and I may as well start now.
I have been watching what I have been eating for approx a month now (27 days).  My boyfriend also got me a Fitbit Flex which has been motivating me to walk a bit more than normal.
But with all that said, here are my pictures.  I was weighed the last time in December just before the holidays and I was 604 lbs.  I do not know what I weigh now.  I am hoping under 600 lbs.  But I will get there. I know it will not happen over night.  I am trying and that is all that matters.

First set of pictures taken 02/19/2015

I am trying, and I will eventually succeed.