Wednesday, November 11, 2015

Addiction In Any Form Is HARD....

So I binged.  It was a binge that was much like my older binges, where I would of course binge on sweets.  I have been dealing with a lot of stress lately, money worries and stretching pay cheques far beyond what they are meant to stretch.  I don't know if I mentioned before that I have been going to OA (Overeaters Anonymous) meetings.....well I was.  I went to two meetings last month for the first time ever.  I like that there are other people there that are going through the same thing and that are struggling with overeating, however for me I am having a hard time relating to the religious aspect of the group or the "higher power".  I do believe there is a higher power or a god, something up there.  However I am not a religious person who worships any particular religion so I think that is why I am getting caught up in the higher power aspect of the OA group.  I also don't like that there doesn't seem to be a lot of time to share with other members or talk freely among the members at the meetings.  It is a by the book process that is followed from start to finish.  However maybe I was getting something from it because the two weeks that I went I seemed to have my eating under control, also maybe I didn't give it enough time before judging.  All in all I haven't written the group off, I think I am going to go next week.

It does scare me though that I had a binge episode last night.  It was a classic episode where I overate to extreme.  In one sitting I ate:

12 bakery cookies (Chocolate chip)- 140 cal x 12 = 1680 cal
1 box of Mike and Ike candy- 1 serving is 140 cal however I ate the whole box which was 420 cal
1 Jersey Milk Chocolate bar- 1 serving was 6 pieces 210 cal however I ate the whole bar which was 15 pieces so 525 cal

Total binge calories: 2625 calories.....

It makes me so ashamed to even type this out.  But I need to confront it and move on.  It is so stupid after I ate the cookies I felt so sick, so sick I wanted to go lay down.  But because the box of candy and the chocolate bar was sitting there I ate it too.  It is like if the food is there I can't stop thinking about it, if I eat it and it is gone I don't have to think about it anymore and the temptation is gone.  The biggest mistake I think I make is getting to comfortable and thinking that I have control over my addiction to food, sweets in particular.  Thinking that I can just have one piece of something or one cookie.  I can't because as I demonstrated last night I ate one, then another one and another one until it was 12 cookies.  Food addiction is real.  The thing that I don't get is the fact that the cookies honestly didn't even taste that good.  Yet I overate them!

I am so scared, everyday I literally live my life in fear.  Fear that I will become that 604 lb girl again.  Especially when I have episodes like this. I also get mad at myself because I think I have already been 604 lbs and absolutely hated my life when I was at that weight.  Why am I risking getting back to that weight? So then I go through the guilt and shame and self hate because I feel like a weak person because I am not able to just stay away from the sweets.  But I am fighting an addiction.  This is a cold, hard addiction.  I quit smoking and yes there are days where I would give ANYTHING for a cigarette.  But I don't give in because then the cigarettes will have power over me again.  Plus I feel so much better not smoking.  I need to get that way with sweets.  I believe I am a person who can't have any sweets or junk food.  It just sets me up to fail.  So I am making a pledge to myself, especially suffering from Diabetes (Type 2).  That I will NOT eat sweets.  I cannot control myself when it comes to sweets.  I even overeat fruit sometimes, mainly grapes, so I have to stay away from them.  But I am going to starting today take a pledge to not eat sweets.  I do NOT want to end up at 604 lbs again and eating the way I did last night it wouldn't take long to pack on the pounds.
It will be hard but definitely worth the fight.

All I can say is I am mentally exhausted lately and I think that is why it has been easier to slip back into old routines.  But it shouldn't be an excuse.  NO MORE EXCUSES!


Sunday, November 08, 2015

Weight Loss Journey Update!

Holy crap I have lost 108 lbs!!!! Yes I have a LONG way to go, however I have also come a LONG way from where I started.  I never thought I would ever have the courage to lose any big amount of weight.  I have learnt so much about myself on this journey so far and I still have a lot to learn about myself I am sure.  The biggest thing that I have learnt is to take things day by day.  If you look at the big picture it gets too overwhelming.  If you take it day by day it is easier to digest and tackle.  Losing weight is a HUGE mental undertaking.  You have to be in the right place mentally to lose weight especially when you are tackling losing a big amount of weight.

I started my journey in February of this year at 604 lbs and as of Oct 28th I am 496 lbs.  I am honestly proud of myself.  Every other time I have tried to lose weight I have given up.  I always started off with the best intentions and the first time I would "mess up" (messing up could be either eating something that wasn't on my "list" of okay foods or not working out when I was supposed to.) I would give up.  I had so many excuses that I fed myself, like 1.  I am meant to be overweight.  2.  I have PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome) so that makes me automatically bigger.  3.  I have tried to lose weight and I never can keep it off, it is too hard....and countless other excuses.
What makes this time different, even when I mess up, I don't give up.  You have to be ready to lose weight though.  Mentally you have to be ready to stop the excuses and commit to moving and trying to eat better (cleaner).  It took me years to get to a place where I could actually lose weight.  I still have as I have said a very long way to go (296 lbs) before I get to my goal weight, I am human and there are days I don't want to go for a walk, there are days I don't want to eat healthy, there are days I indulge and eat junk food.  But I don't give up anymore.  I start fresh the next day or next meal.  I am in no way an expert at losing weight.  But I have found what works for me (for now).  I walk.....a lot, I try to walk 4-6km 5 days a week.  I also try to go to the gym 3 times a week.  (I haven't been going recently to the gym because I did injure my foot, but I have been walking still even if I have to hobble.)
I measure and weigh my food.  I also use My Fitness Pal to track my food.  I have made a lifestyle change.  There are days where I miss being able to eat whatever I want to eat, but then I remember just where that lead me and what I let food take away from me.  I was trapped in my apartment, not living my life.  I chose food over everything.  Food controlled me.  Now I control me.

I am going to have gastric bypass surgery.  However the surgeon wants me to get down to 440 lbs, which I WILL do.  The surgery is going to be an additional tool to help me get to where I would like to get (200 lbs).

Here is a pic of the 108 lb difference:

I know I always promise to write more posts, but I promise I am going to try to write more frequently to keep you all updated on my progress.  I want to share my journey with you and make my journey public so that others who are going through the same thing and felt as hopeless as I did at 604 lbs, have someone that they can talk to and relate to.  I always felt alone and it was so scary feeling like I was the only one who was going through this.  I want you to know if you are reading this and you are super morbidly obese, you are NOT alone.  Please reach out to me if you ever want someone to talk to! Also I am documenting my weight loss journey on Instagram.  You can follow along HERE

Stay tuned! :)