Thursday, June 11, 2015

The Biggest Mental Journey....

I started my journey February 19th, 2015.  I was 604 lbs, I was weighed back in December of 2014 when I went to the emergency room for yet another bladder infection.  I remember thinking "I need to know my number."  I needed to face it, and finally if possible find out where I was health wise.  I knew that I wasn't in a good place as I barely got off the couch, my diet consisted of high fat and very high carb foods.  I had just been diagnosed with Diabetes (Type 2) and my blood sugar was so out of whack.  I remember asking the nurse if they would have a scale that would go up high enough to weigh me.  She asked me what I thought I weighed.  I said I believed "500 or 550".  She had to check and let me know that there was a bariatric bed scale she could use to weigh me on.  I remember getting up on that bed and laying down, scared to find out my number.
It read 604 lbs.  The nurse was in shock.  I was in shock.  The nurse said "You do not look like someone who weighs 604 lbs."  I was speechless.  I wish I could say that, that was the turning point where I woke up and realized that I had to do something NOW.  But I decided that I was going to start watching what I ate in the new year.  Which of course the new year came and I did nothing, I still was eating the same high fat and high carb foods. (So I may have been larger than 604 lbs, when I started my journey.)  The turning point came after one of my horrible, horrible showers. It was around January I believe that this turning point happened.  Let me explain to you (and I am sorry if this grosses anyone out, but it is the truth.) when you get to be 604 lbs showering is not an easy task, neither is standing, walking or doing anything other than sitting and watching TV.  I was in so much pain all the time, walking to the kitchen I was out of breath.  I could barely stand for 5 minutes.  I was lucky to stand for 3 minutes.  My knees hurt non stop.  I got to the point where I feared showering.  I was scared not only that my back would give out and I would fall in the shower, but that I would slip and fall in the shower because I was not good on my feet.  Every shower that I would have, I would cry.  So this shower that I had I was so frustrated....I had gone almost 4 days without a shower (yes I know it is disgusting, but I was scared to shower).  I was standing in the shower and it was like I had 5 minutes from the time I got in the shower to be done or else my back would start to give out.  So I had reached my 5 minutes and my back started to give out, the pain was horrible.  I screamed, I remember Rob (my fiance) coming in and asking if I was okay, and I got mad at him.  I actually yelled at him. I was so angry that I couldn't do the most simple thing.  I wasn't able to stand in the shower and wash off, I remember bawling my eyes out, thinking that it was never going to get better and thinking "What kind of a life is this?",  thinking that this is how it was going to be for the rest of my life.  I remember thinking that I had two choices.  1. I could keep going the way I was and likely end up dying because of my weight or from my depression which was eating me alive, I was constantly depressed and contemplating suicide or 2. I could fight.  I could try to get better.  I remember sitting on the side of the tub, because I always had to get out of the shower and rest for a couple minutes.  I got mad.  I remember thinking I am 30 years old.  I am in a relationship with a man who loves me more than anything I should be happy, not contemplating suicide constantly or being this depressed all the time.  I remember thinking I have to start something.  So that night after I got out of the shower, I dug out my MP3 player, I put a bandana on my head and I started walking laps from the kitchen to the couch.  At first I could only make it 4 times.  I remember being so frustrated and crying to Rob, who did nothing but comfort me and say that I can do this and that eventually I would be walking a lot further.  Everyday I would do my laps I eventually got up to around 20 times from the kitchen to the couch.  I found it was a lot easier to stand.  I also wasn't having the knee pain I had previously, it was still there but not as bad.  February 19th, after saying over and over again "Monday I will start", "Next week I will start watching what I am eating".  I started portioning my food and eating clean.  I stopped eating as many sweets and cut out junk food for the most part.  I started eating low carb.  When I went for my doctor's appointment in March (I had just found a new family doctor, who I love by the way) when I was weighed I was down to 576 lbs.  After that appointment I was more determined than ever to do this.  I started walking up to the end of the road.  I remember that first time I made it to the end of the road.  My body was so sore, but it felt so good.  I started taking my dog Ellie out with me and would walk up to the end of the road every morning.  I then started going every afternoon as well.  In April after walking up to the end of the road for approx 2 months (towards the end of April.) I will never forget this, there are stairs at the end of my road that you can go up (3 steps) they take you up to the trail. Ellie was pulling, and pulling, she wanted to go further.  So I walked up the stairs and let her sniff around.  She started pulling some more to go down the trail.  I remember thinking, I can't do that, there is no way.  I said to Ellie "Common we have to go back Ellie, Mommy can't go that far."  Ellie was set on going, so I went, it hurt and my back ached and my knees were burning, but I did it, I went around the block!!!! That was a huge milestone.  I remember getting home and crying.  I couldn't believe I had that in me.  I knew at that moment honestly that my puppy dog Ellie was meant for me.  She was honestly meant to be in my life to help me along this journey.  She was smiling at me when we got home and looking at me like "See Mommy, you can do this."  It is now June and I am walking close to a mile 5-6 times a week with none other than my best friend beside me everyday. I was weighed yesterday and I have lost an additional 35 lbs! So overall I am down 71 lbs!!!! I have a goal to reach 100 lbs lost by myself, without the aid of weight loss surgery it is just a personal goal I have.  I am so proud that I am 29 lbs away from that goal! I honestly have always been the type of person who starts things and never finishes them, I always give up.  Doing this I have learned that I do have determination.  I am more determined than ever to do this, I WILL GET to 200 lbs.  I am not perfect, I have slipped along the way and I have treated myself, but that is what life is about.  I hope that I can inspire at least one person who feels like it isn't possible.  One person who feels like they cannot get their life on track.  I am here to say, we are capable of so much more than we believe.  This journey so far has been a huge mental journey.  I WILL DO THIS.

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