Tuesday, July 14, 2015

Where Is My Determination?!?!

Ugh....have you ever been just soooo frustrated that you want to scream?!?! 

I have lost a total of 70 lbs since I started my weight loss journey in February 2015.  I have worked hard, eating clean and exercising, after almost 5 months of this I am getting off track and slipping.  I have been walking less and eating more lately.  It is like all the effort I have put into my weight loss journey is now being sabotaged and by the one and only.....me.....

I initially had a goal to lose 100 lbs before I resorted to weight loss surgery. I was so close, I am so close, 30 more pounds to go! I went and met with the surgeon who seemed impressed that I had lost 70 lbs, however wants me to lose another 100 lbs before he will operate.  He wants me to be around 440 lbs before he will operate, as he explained it will be safer based on my BMI at the time.  Which I understand however when he told me that it was like he took my goal away from me and put conditions on it.  He made it his goal. I knew when I met him that I would need to lose more weight, but I never thought I would have to lose 100 lbs more. 

Right now I am 534 lbs, so I have close to 100 lbs more to go and I am sabotaging myself.  I keep eating stuff I know I shouldn't and not walking everyday like I was before.  Instead of taking his advice and making the goal my own again, I keep letting it get to me.  What really got to me is the fact that he said "Without weight loss surgery, you will gain back everything you lost." Well I am certainly proving him right....

I need to get back into the mental state I was in before I went and met him, because I was so determined.  I need to do this.  I can't go back to 604 lbs, I won't.  I will work with every fibre of my being to get down that extra 100 lbs.  

Know what I CAN DO THIS.  I have come too damn far to give up and let what one person says overshadow the progress I have made.  I have come so far.  I still have a LONG way to go, but with every walk I take and every sweet I turn down, I come that much closer to my goal.  I know I will never be skinny.  Which I am fine with, but I want to be healthy again.  

Reasons to lose weight:

-To be healthy again
-To hopefully make my Diabetes and High Blood Pressure and Tachycardia go away
-To hopefully help my anxiety and depression
-To be able to walk a couple miles without stopping or to be more active
-To be able to go out in public without being stared at like I am a circus freak
-To have nicer clothes, to actually be able to wear jeans again
-To be able to do things I can't do right now, like go on rides at Canada's Wonderland or go walk around a mall
-To be able to actually go do a active job
-To play a game of basketball again
-To be able to and want to hang out with people again in public places for example going to the movies or out for coffee.
-To be able to run one day, it doesn't have to be a marathon but 1 mile.

Reasons to stay the weight I am:
-To be able to eat what I want.... But that really isn't a good reason and to stay the weight I am, I can't really eat what I want and not gain more weight.

The pros far outweigh the cons.  Which I knew they would but I wanted and needed to put them out there.  I will die if I don't lose weight, I have let my weight get so out of hand that if I don't continue my journey I will end up being dead at a very young age.  Which I don't want.  

So this is what I am going to do, challenge myself starting today. For one week.  So until next Tuesday.  No junk food, I need time to detox again. Also a walk at least once everyday. (I am alright without junk as far as chips etc, it is the damn sweets!).  But NO more, I am going to challenge myself to go one week without any treats.  When I started my weight loss journey I went without sweets for over a month! I can do this!

Stay tuned! :) 

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