Wednesday, November 11, 2015

Addiction In Any Form Is HARD....

So I binged.  It was a binge that was much like my older binges, where I would of course binge on sweets.  I have been dealing with a lot of stress lately, money worries and stretching pay cheques far beyond what they are meant to stretch.  I don't know if I mentioned before that I have been going to OA (Overeaters Anonymous) meetings.....well I was.  I went to two meetings last month for the first time ever.  I like that there are other people there that are going through the same thing and that are struggling with overeating, however for me I am having a hard time relating to the religious aspect of the group or the "higher power".  I do believe there is a higher power or a god, something up there.  However I am not a religious person who worships any particular religion so I think that is why I am getting caught up in the higher power aspect of the OA group.  I also don't like that there doesn't seem to be a lot of time to share with other members or talk freely among the members at the meetings.  It is a by the book process that is followed from start to finish.  However maybe I was getting something from it because the two weeks that I went I seemed to have my eating under control, also maybe I didn't give it enough time before judging.  All in all I haven't written the group off, I think I am going to go next week.

It does scare me though that I had a binge episode last night.  It was a classic episode where I overate to extreme.  In one sitting I ate:

12 bakery cookies (Chocolate chip)- 140 cal x 12 = 1680 cal
1 box of Mike and Ike candy- 1 serving is 140 cal however I ate the whole box which was 420 cal
1 Jersey Milk Chocolate bar- 1 serving was 6 pieces 210 cal however I ate the whole bar which was 15 pieces so 525 cal

Total binge calories: 2625 calories.....

It makes me so ashamed to even type this out.  But I need to confront it and move on.  It is so stupid after I ate the cookies I felt so sick, so sick I wanted to go lay down.  But because the box of candy and the chocolate bar was sitting there I ate it too.  It is like if the food is there I can't stop thinking about it, if I eat it and it is gone I don't have to think about it anymore and the temptation is gone.  The biggest mistake I think I make is getting to comfortable and thinking that I have control over my addiction to food, sweets in particular.  Thinking that I can just have one piece of something or one cookie.  I can't because as I demonstrated last night I ate one, then another one and another one until it was 12 cookies.  Food addiction is real.  The thing that I don't get is the fact that the cookies honestly didn't even taste that good.  Yet I overate them!

I am so scared, everyday I literally live my life in fear.  Fear that I will become that 604 lb girl again.  Especially when I have episodes like this. I also get mad at myself because I think I have already been 604 lbs and absolutely hated my life when I was at that weight.  Why am I risking getting back to that weight? So then I go through the guilt and shame and self hate because I feel like a weak person because I am not able to just stay away from the sweets.  But I am fighting an addiction.  This is a cold, hard addiction.  I quit smoking and yes there are days where I would give ANYTHING for a cigarette.  But I don't give in because then the cigarettes will have power over me again.  Plus I feel so much better not smoking.  I need to get that way with sweets.  I believe I am a person who can't have any sweets or junk food.  It just sets me up to fail.  So I am making a pledge to myself, especially suffering from Diabetes (Type 2).  That I will NOT eat sweets.  I cannot control myself when it comes to sweets.  I even overeat fruit sometimes, mainly grapes, so I have to stay away from them.  But I am going to starting today take a pledge to not eat sweets.  I do NOT want to end up at 604 lbs again and eating the way I did last night it wouldn't take long to pack on the pounds.
It will be hard but definitely worth the fight.

All I can say is I am mentally exhausted lately and I think that is why it has been easier to slip back into old routines.  But it shouldn't be an excuse.  NO MORE EXCUSES!


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