Thursday, December 18, 2014

It's a Number That WILL Go Down In Time!

So I finally did it.  I finally stopped and got off the train of denial.  I can't even tell you when the last time I weighed myself was, weighed myself where I actually found out what I weighed that is.  I believe it was when I was likely around 14 and at that point I was 220 lbs.  I remember my doctor getting really upset with me and telling me that I needed to lose weight, which yes I did but she was really frustrated with me.  But that caused anxiety and since that time anytime I have stepped on the scale I have stepped on the scale backwards and told the nurse or nutritionist each time that I DON'T want to know the number.  Well that isn't healthy.  When you don't know what you weigh you can't face up to the fact that you need to work on yourself.  You just live in the land of denial going along thinking everything is fine that you "Have a few extra pounds." but that overall it isn't affecting your health in the way that you can still do everything everyone else can do so why does the scale matter??

I will tell you why.....

I spent years and years denying what I weigh.  Now I am at the point where I can't do things that I used to do, I have built up all these walls and made myself a prisoner in my own body.  No not knowing my weight wasn't the only reason why I ended up the way I am but it is part of it for sure.  I am not going to get to the point where I am a slave to the scale and obsessing over my weight, but I am going to be much more vigilant now and get weighed more often especially now to check my progress.

I am at the point where I am over denying it.  I weigh 604 lbs!!!! I would have NEVER thought I weighed that amount, I would have guessed at the most 550 lbs.  But when that scale read 604 that was a HUGE eye opener.  How could I have let myself get to this weight?

For once I didn't cry.  I reflected.

The answer I came up with is this, it is like right now I am split in two.  There is a girl who is inside trying to reach the surface, that girl that is trying to get out, who wants to thrive is getting stronger and stronger.  She wants me to love myself. The other girl who weighs 604 lbs has punished herself for far too long.  Eating to deal with the emotional pain in her life.  She is getting weaker and weaker.  The excuses and denial are diminishing.  I am becoming more accountable for my actions.

Am I ashamed that I weigh 604 lbs? Yes.  Does it make me upset? Yes. But am I ready to change it? YES FINALLY!!  I am so done with this life of punishing myself.  I have made mistakes in my life but I do not definitely deserve to punish myself by putting huge quantities of food in my body.  I have had horrible things happen to me that I have had no control over, but putting food down my throat will not change that.

The journey is going to be very, very long.  But the rewards will be definitely worth all the hard work.
I am ready to change.  Mentally and physically.

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