Friday, December 12, 2014

Never Ending Sadness....

Today sucked.  Literally sucked.  If you have depression you can definitely understand how I felt today and likely identify with how I feel every other day as well.  I feel like I was sucked into a dark, ominous. black hole.  You try to claw, climb and stretch to reach the light but every time you come closer to grasping a bit of that light because that light is there it is like the light at the end of a tunnel, you are pulled back into the hole further and further.  You feel like you can't breathe.  Everything is overwhelming and you can only see one solution, the only solution that makes sense to you.  To end it all.  So you start to think.  Thoughts run through your head like "I won't be a burden anymore on those who love me.", "I won't be in pain anymore." and the always there thought of "This is never going to end, these thoughts and feelings."  I hate those people that say "Committing suicide is selfish, it is the easy way out."  I say to that, you have not been in my head and felt the feelings that I feel, you say it is selfish because of the pain caused for family and friends etc. but you don't know the pain that, that person lives with day in and day out.  The pain that they constantly feel.  You don't know how much pain they have gone through to think that ending it all is the only option they have.  People grieve yes, they will always grieve for a period of time, but it gets better day by day.  Pretty soon you forget that person that passes away.  All that is left is the fleeting memory.

Depression never goes away.  It is always there.  Even during times where you think you are happy, depression is in the background letting you know that it is there, ready, willing to enter the picture at any moment.  Medications help you cope.  Counseling helps you talk about it.  But nothing cures it.  After struggling 22 years with depression I can tell you, it will never, ever go away.  Not completely.  Yes some days are better than others. But depression is there lurking in the background of every thought, every memory and every plan.

Today sucked.  But I made it out alive.

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