Why?

A lot of times I am asked the question why?  I remember when I first was struggling with the decision of having weight loss surgery and people would always ask "Why?", "Why do you want to do something so drastic?", "Why can't you just watch what you eat and exercise to lose the weight?".

I have had a lot of support and a lot of people say nothing but negative things about the surgery that I am choosing to try for.  But in the end it has to be something that I can live with and something that I believe is going to get me to where I want to be because after all the surgery is a tool.  Even though you are having the surgery, you still have to train yourself to make better nutritional choices and also introduce an exercise plan that you are going to follow for the rest of your life.

But I personally believe I am long past the point where I can just watch what I eat and just exercise.  I am at a size where each day is crucial.  I need medical intervention to survive.  I am not saying that I couldn't just watch what I eat and start a slow exercising plan, however that would take too long.  I am at the point where I need an intervention and soon.  That being said I am going to be watching what I am eating and introducing some exercise.  To keep myself moving.  But I face challenges.

The problem with me is that I do have injuries that make it hard for me to exercise.  It is not an excuse, it is the truth.  In 2008 I was in a car accident where I flipped my car and it landed upside down.  I ended up luckily getting out of the vehicle, but did not end up getting any rehabilitation for the herniated disc in my back.  The best thing I can do to treat this is losing a significant amount of weight to take the pressure off the disc.  Right now when I walk, the herniated disc presses against a nerve that causes my legs to go numb.

Also in 2011 I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS).  Which is known to cause significant weight gain in your stomach area especially.  I am also on 4 different antidepressants that cause weight gain and also make it hard to lose weight as well.

All that being said is this the ONLY reason I am super morbidly obese? NO! I am taking my share of responsibility in this.  For everything I have put in my mouth over the years.  I have used food, especially sweets to fill an emotional void that I have never been able to figure out how to fill any other way.

This is something that I need to work on, my relationship with food that is.  Food has always been a source of comfort for me.  My mother used to bake constantly when I was younger I had access to cookies, bars and cake a lot.  Was it her fault? NO! She tried to limit what I ate but I, like a thief would sneak food from the tins that held the cookies and snacks.  It came to a point where I was addicted to food, I would be upset and go to the treat cupboard and take a row of cookies, sneak 8-12 baked cookies, eat half a tub of ice cream, eat four granola bars, then there was yogurt I would eat 4 of those it turned into binges and after that I would hide the wrappers downstairs in the garbage.  I would eat until I was so stuffed I couldn't fill my stomach anymore, and only then did I feel like it was okay.  But then that feeling never lasted.  It would be about 20 minutes later that the guilt would set in.  That voice inside my head that kept telling me: "Why did you eat that fatty?", "They are going to find the wrappers.", "You are disgusting!", "You don't deserve to live."

Being addicted to food, is really shitty.  Honestly, because with other addictions like alcohol for example, when you are trying to stop using, you can not have it around, you don't have to have it there.  Food has to be there, you can't get away from food because it is your fuel for your body to run.  No you don't have to have sweets around, you can limit what kinds of food that you have there.  But you are going to face the dreaded foods more often than you would face a bottle of vodka or wine.  If you are trying to not eat sweets, chances are you are going to run into them way more often then when you were eating them.

So I am working on my relationship with food and why I have used food to cope with my emotional problems my whole life.

But this surgery will ultimately save my life.  Not only once I lose some weight will I be able to move around more, I will be able to get some of my self-esteem back.  Right now I have basically lost all my self-esteem.  Which really does not take long when you are being ridiculed left right and centre.  I am at the point where I am so angry.  Angry because I honestly cannot do things that used to be so easy.  Things that I took for granted when I could do them without a problem.  I am angry that I feel like I can't leave my apartment without being stared at and laughed at.  I am angry that I can't go into a store anymore because when I have gone into a store people have literally pointed and laughed and said extremely rude things. I have feelings too.  I hate that I can't fit into the biggest sizes in the plus sized stores or the fact that when I went to go look for a vehicle, I couldn't fit into most of them, they were not large enough.  I couldn't fit behind the wheel. The fact that everything causes me anxiety because I have to think about how my weight is going to come into play for example going to my Best Friend's wedding this past weekend I had to worry about how I was going to get from the car into the church, and then if there were stairs which of course there were, how was I going to climb them when I got into the church it was worrying if there was going to be enough room between the pews.  Then I have to worry about people staring at me.  Which some of them did. But I was there for her and that is all that matters but NOBODY should have to go through this.  I am so angry, this is my time to change.

I am writing my blog again because I want to connect with people and put my story out there.  If someone can relate or can understand then that is all that matters.  My main goal is to also as I have said keep myself accountable and by blogging I am doing that.